Jun 2, 2015

tak boleh

mana boleh turn back time. but in your head, what else could you do exactly. setiap malam sebelum aku tidur, aku akan cakap sikit "esok aku nak bangun pagi dengan semangat yang baru." but what strength do I have? 

I feel like they don't love me anymore. if I am to be positive all the way, aku boleh cakap maybe sejak dah ada commitment lain, perhaps they are too tired to care about me. 

sejak dari dulu, aku masuk boarding school di ceruk Negeri Sembilan, Daerah Jempol. you could reach there by bus, or train. and nak ke sekolah aku took another 30 minutes from stesen bas. boleh kira guna jari berapa kali they come and visit me. aku tak kisah pun sebab aku pun malas sebenarnya nak suruh diorang datang redah jalan yang entah pape tu semata mata nak tengok aku. but deep inside, aku nak diorang datang. sekarang, it has been 3 years aku kat Terengganu and they never visit me. as usual, when they asked me "nak datang tak?" aku jawab "takpe ah.", dalam hati "nak datang datang je ah.".

so, most of the time aku on the phone with them, tapi recently, it's not really a good conversation to me. it doesn't feel like old times, which I can be pampered and a spoiled son. sometimes, when I called them, I feel like they don't have interest nak cakap dengan aku. well perhaps, it is just my feelings but it hurts in many ways. sebenarnya, aku call sebab aku sedih, dan aku harapkan something yang boleh bagi aku kekuatan sikit and, I don't get it. kekuatan yang sebenarnya aku ada sekarang ni aku mintak dari Tuhan, dan aku bina sikit sendiri.

orang yang paling kau sayang pun suatu hari nanti takan sayang kau lagi macam mana dia sayang kau dulu, atau rasa sayang itu akan pergi bila dia dah takda lagi. growing up sucks, tambah lagi kalau lelaki.

if I could turn back time, tak boleh masalahnya.

14 comments:

  1. Kau nk diorng dtg ckp je..luahkn ape kau nk,mereka dh berusia,anak2 dh besar jd mereka rasa apa yg anak mereka xnk maksudnya mmg mereka xnk..mereka xmahu jika mereka xmengikut kehendak nnti hati anak terluka..aku doakan kau selalu bahagia di samping keluarga dan sahabat kau..kau doa selalu kerana Tuhan pasti mendengar..jgn bersedih tau bro

    ReplyDelete
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    1. bukan soal nak datang atau tidak. aku tak kisah sebenarnya, cuma semakin lama semakin kurang ambil kisah tentang aku. aku dapat rasa. mungkin aku kena belajar berdikari dari sekarang kan. apapun terima kasih.

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  2. I feel you. Although my case is a little different. And I haven't been visited too :)

    And being the oldest child sucks..

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    Replies
    1. pika, we should be strong shouldnt we?

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  3. Kalau itu yg kau rasa kau doakan mereka selalu..sesungguhnya mereka juga sentiasa mendoakan kau..itulah kasih sayang mereka yg terus diberi pada kau dari hari ke hari

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  4. Kau sbnrnye...harap diorg ambil kisah pasal fyp kau kan? Sbb betapa tough nya fyp dan esaimen, test melambak, back then, kan? You may say I was wrong. No offence.

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    1. betul. walau diorang takan pernah tahu payahnya aku. lagi parah jika diorang biarkan aku dengan anggapan aku dah boleh berdikari. tu paling sedih.

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  5. Suarakan hati kau pada mereka 'arif

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  6. Hi Ariff, honestly I wanted to share some of my advice, same things actually happen to me before. Sbnrnya parents bila kita dah besar diorg percaya kita tahu buat keputusan sendiri especially on what is best for us or not. So, if ada apa2, kita patut ckp je but of course in a good way dan tidak melukakn hati. Things is, parents I kata they never thought that I would have so much stress, problemss,,, etc.. so I did tell them everything, and my parents really then have a change towards me. Its because they knew now, parents support and love are really important.

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    1. Hai, whoever you are thanks for concerning and your advise. Aku selalu cerita masalah pelajaran aku, tapi ada sesetengah masalah, mereka takan faham walau aku cerita. Apa pun aku anggap maybe it is time for me to care about them, and start to learn being independent, and keep going.

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  7. came across your blog n found this.. for me, parents mana tak sayang anak.. dorang sayang ko weyh.. serius sayang tapi tidak terluah.... sbb ko da mcm adult so dorang layan mcm adult, mostly lelaki macam segan pasal ni, pasal nak tunjuk affection n all that, for my opinion dorang rasa ko ni da dewasa... so dorang maybe rasa ko malu if dorang tunjuk sayang.. ni opinion sorry if salah

    n for me as marine biology student, mmg hectic gila life dgn lab reports n fyp blabla,
    n u know what sometimes i forgot to call my parents,
    n one day my mum said that 'baba cakap jangan masukkan duit untuk dia, nanti dia tak call'
    omaigod hati i hancurrrrr serius hancur dorang pandang i sebagai orang yg nak minta duit je,
    tapi serius tak takde maksud tak nak call dorang, serius tak,
    n deep down inside i truly love them n i hope they realise that i call them, it's not all about moneyy :(

    so for me macam if dorang tak visit i kat terengganu tape, tapi jangan cakap i call sbb duit tapi sebnarnya sbb i homesick.

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    Replies
    1. we are in the same shoes, whenever I called my parents, first thing they will ask is money. it is hard to express "ada" when they expect, "takde", just because I called them. but in fact, I just wanna have somebody to talk with, somebody that understands my situation with or without references. you're right, tho we need to face it anyway. thanks whoever you are. marilah sedih bersama sama.

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