Showing posts from November, 2014


takut untuk biar hati ini membenarkan apa yang aku mahu. sebenarnya aku takut kehilangan yang lebih daripada apa yang aku hilang selama ini. tetapi kehilangan juga sesuatu yang baik sebenarnya. dengan izin Allah, biar hati ini memilih jalan-Nya.


hitler has made a statement

"I got 9 As and 1 B. I could have straight A's on my SPM, but I left 1 B to let the world know that As are not everything." - facebook status

came across this statement remind me about my past examinations. As ain't everything but of course your chances is high to get into top university to further your study, but it is not always helpful. I felt hopeless after few times my application for scholarship weren't accepted. I could have reached my potential of being a student if I got the scholarship though, it is kind of motivational for me but I didn't succeed. I feel weak and even weaker when I found out this place isn't a place of study at all. it is the environment that made me feel weak, and everyday is a challenge for me to continue living my life over here.

looking at my previous result makes me a little surprised, and I thought I could have been better. I believe what has been destined is just right for me, I believe that Allah has a better plan for me in the near future, either in my faith or my worldly perspectives.

however it is, I would try my best to improve myself, to improve my quality of life by learning lessons from the nature more than human, it is just because nature didn't change that much and God hide secrets behind it. life is complicated just like how complicated your body respond to any environmental changes and it can be learnt for those who wants to.

but I am still looking forward to learning human psychology in more details, 


dah lama 'dia' hidup dengan gua, so gua rasa gua nak kenal dengan 'dia'. 

selamat malam. 

terima kasih dan maaf

terima kasih dan maaf ni pada gua memang mempunyai perasaan yang berbeza. terima kasih dan maaf juga pada gua sangat bernilai, sangat bernilai.

sejak gua belajar kat sini, kebanyakan perkataan perkataan yang aku rasa bernilai, dengan mudah dikotorkan dengan mulut mulut manusia yang busuk. kalau tidak mulut yang busuk, masakan perkataan perkataan itu boleh dikotorkan bukan? 

seperti terima kasih dan maaf juga telah dikotorkan. terima kasih ni macam seseorang yang lapar, lalu dia bersungguh mencari makanan dan akhirnya dia berterima kasih kepada sang pemberi. dan terima kasih ni sangat berkualiti dan boleh diterima pakai. berbeza dengan seseorang yang lapar lalu dia meminta sedangkan dia mampu untuk berusaha dan akhirnya dia dengan bersahaja berterima kasih kepada sang pemberi. terima kasih seperti ini pada aku telah dikotorkan secara total. 

begitu juga dengan maaf. ia seperti sang raja yang telah membunuh jutaan rakyatnya, kemudian dia bertaubat lalu meminta maaf secara rambang walau di hadapan ahli keluarga mereka dan meminta untuk dibalas dengan kadar yang setimpal. maaf seperti ini sangat bernilai dan tidak tercemar walaupun sedikit. sebaliknya, jika sang raja yang membunuh jutaan rakyatnya, kemudian dia menyesal lalu meminta maaf melalui siaran khas di kaca televisyen, kemudian dia bersuka ria dengan kehidupannya. maaf ini telah dikotorkan dengan zalim, dan perlu dihina sampai mati.

mungkin analogi ini terlalu tinggi bagi sesetengah manusia yang masih menilai melalui perspekstif yang tidak seimbang. mungkin entri kali ni gua belum lagi beremosi secara lebih garang. cuma sedih tengok manusia ni, kata orang tapi dia pun sama, ada yang lebih teruk lagi tapi kadang kelakar pun ada. gua pun selalu jugak cakap tak serupa bikin, tapi gua sedar benda tu.

semoga Allah beri hidayah dan petunjuk pada gua dan semua.
seperkara yang aku telah lupa bahawa semuanya ditadbir oleh Allah.
dan sepatutnya aku membuatkan pentadbirku suka, bukan manusia.

kerana maksud hidup manusia biasa saja berubah, mengikut suka. 

naluri alam

hujan yang seperti tiada rasa malu untuk meluahkan rasa sedihnya. awan awan bersatu dan menutup matahari seperti menyembunyikan sesuatu daripada bumi. mendung dan suasana nyaman yang dibawa angin berkeras untuk tinggal bersama, siapa sangka ego mereka lebih tinggi dari awan sehingga tulang yang membentuk tubuh ini terpaksa menikmati rasa sejuk yang dicucuk mereka. ombak jugak tidak ketinggalan mencari ruang untuk memperkenalkan diri walaupun terpaksa membunuh rakannya sendiri. pokok pokok seperti biasa teguh dengan pendirian mereka, tetapi ada juga yang tumbang. mungkin ada sesuatu yang sains belum lagi mendapatkan jawapan kepada persoalan ini.

atau mungkin ini masanya kita biarkan alam beremosi.

a neglected letter

I have been always wanted to tell you about our story which you probably have forgotten. you are the only girl that I think I fit in. though at some point, we have grown up, and changed as well.

however, the story that made up our relationship this far is always playing again and again in my head. I neglect to get closer to any girls in university which made myself a bit nerd as I looked in class. but I feel lonely sometimes, then I tried to contact you and story-telling. but you didn't respond very well. I feel guilty over again.

I hope you will remember all of the things that tied us up as friends, or maybe I told myself we are not just friends but more than that. 

I miss you but I couldn't tell. 


selamat ulang tahun kelahiran ke dua puluh empat

puluhan ribu noktah yang hilang,
walau tiada yang mampu dikembalikan,
mungkin ada jugak yang diusap usap,
tapi rasa rindu ini juga masih lagi segar,
dan masih lagi dapat dirasa dan dinikmati.

selamat hari jadi kak.

13 November 2014 yang lepas. 
jadi esok ada kerja lapangan untuk subjek parasit di tasik kenyir. fikiran aku tak lekang dengan amukan emosi yang memaksa aku untuk berenang kali ni. dah terlalu lama masalahnya aku tak main air. tapi tengoklah nanti macam mana.

oh jadi ketua lagi.

a change

everyday when I woke up, I would try my best to be positive, which I thought the vibes could help me get through the day. however, I failed, and I get angry to myself. it is not nice to judge people by saying they are negative and I am not labeling particular person as negative but the negative comes up in everyone, including myself. but this sort of negatives vibe either from people surround me, or even from myself, stop me from being positive. then I change the term positive to happiness, and to be happy instead of being positive.

so I watched this one video about how to be happy by David Steindl-Rast. his talk was very inspiring. he relates happiness with gratefulness. when we are being grateful, we will be happy but not every time when we are happy, we are being grateful. yess, that is one of the part that I missed, even though I had been taught about gratefulness in Islam since I was young. I feel as if this feeling should be a common sense so I never figure it out. well, I was wrong from the start. I should find the method to feel grateful. every moment was given to us is a chance for us, to look for an opportunity to be grateful. perhaps, I could try it more often.

grateful makes me happy, then hopefully by being happy makes me positive. 
sometimes showing up ourselves is good. but to show up that we are good by condemning others is a disrespectful way to do. that shows how wise we are in our own life. just know where we stand on every situations will make we think again before we do, and that would make a change, perhaps to have a better life.

if we don't, happiness will never be spreading.

some theories pt 2

you need to study to be clever. yes, studying is part of life. you are learning ever since you were in your mom's womb. but how do we exactly learn? is there any standard way to learning?

to perceive what you received is one of the tools that I do in order for me to keep learning in my life. some people might say you study a lot but u learn nothing. well, I would say studying is part of learning. learning is a big word in my definition. sometimes I study to pass the examination but in long-term effects, it is not happening.

when you learn something, it is not only your knowledge increases but you behavior changes as well. you know how to sort out your priorities, you know which is good and bad, or you can even identify lies and truths. if we didn't change, we are not learning. it is hard to say most of the people nowadays are good at their results but not in real life. they will find themselves not moving forward. they stop and be comfortable with their position while others are trying so hard to move. they know they could move because they have knowledge but they don't want to. in certain extent, they might stop other people as well, that is why learning pushes us forward, even a little.

learning is for living, we should understand that. 
I am the one who has strong preferences with fluctuation of mood. feeling is uncertain. we might say I feel good today and I am going to do something productive. after a few hours, your feeling might change in another way. this is what I always think about every time my feeling gets worst.

recently I posted about getting positive everyday and sort of things that lead us to a better life. also in every actions we take, there will be obstacles that lie upon right in front of us. identifying what stops us from being positive isn't enough, but learning how to face it professionally does matter.

right at this moment, I am still trying to control my mind so that I could control my body which later defines my behavior. it is a lovely task to share to everybody after you have achieve a little happiness even though it seems not to be a big concern to anybody but you value yourself by knowing you have done to sharing the idea of being happy.

spread love, not legs.

some theories pt 1

I am very interested in the way of great scientists think and sometimes I could get amazed on every little things they did, for example how they found the pathway of metabolism in a cell or even in organelles.  

I am interested in theory of evolution, because it is still theory then it remains to be a hypothesis. I can be a real bias with what I am going to say but perhaps this thoughts could be shared and consistently improved over time, just like evolution.

because there is no substantial amount of proof to answer this controversy, creationist takes into account the fact that evolution never happens. evolution can be through natural selection or mutation. how well organism can manage to handle stress in their changing environment depends on the next generation which genetic information is passed on. over time, information about the stress can be included into the gene sequence so that the latter could survive and continue to reproduce. if there is abrupt change in environment such as exposure to harmful chemical that can disrupt their gene, mutation could occur but usually mutation couldn't last longer. 

well I could say that the intermediate species such as apes (believed to be prehistoric man) and amphibian mammals (fossil records) could not survive during their period because they cannot tolerate with the environment. They might lack of gene that enable them to survive which their offspring have, abundantly. genetic study is relatively new but it could be a comprehensive idea to support the hypothesis. this might not support my believe as I am one of the creationist as well but I could consider because I am a biologist in-the-making. 

science is improving because people wanted to know, to understand and to find what they really are. together with this fast-growing technologies, people can access information all over the world by just grasping tablet and start browsing. however, they don't really understand the purposes of getting this knowledge. scientist might find this very helpful to overcome problems, reduce pollution and retain sustainable living. accordingly, the purpose might be in another way around. some people might take it for granted, assuming that nature can recover itself.

doesn't matter how hard we try to find the answer will finally lead us to our own Creator, Allah the almighty. 
It has been two years since I have been trying so hard to overcome my mental problem. Well I do sometimes hear sound inside my head but it is not as often as two years back. If I would like to procrastinate, that must be the moment when I found myself alive after I being saved by a group of people when I felt dying in life, literally.

TBH, a little thought will eventually give you a very stunning experience which nobody has never had the same. I know that my little thought, but meaningful, caused my Lord, Creator of universe to send a really kind group of people and saved me from forever drowning.

If we never care about our wrongdoings, never tried to improved ourselves or leave those bad things behind, then there is no point we live in this world. Living isn't just a process of tasting the beauty of creations but it handles responsibilities, which no creation ever dare to handle but human.

As human, I do wrongs as well even I have understood my nature. It is not everything I can handle at once. So I do hope one day, in a very near future, my Lord grant me an ability to controlling my mind totally so that I can control my actions too.

knowing the best

I know I have always made people think that I have a lot of experience, though I think people have more than me. I couldnt tell whatever I have had in my past. If I could say, people are so busy doing things that is wasting their time.

Because I have done almost all of it.


Tuhan Kau letakan aku di tempat yang membuat aku bimbang akan kebebasan, Kau biarkan fikir aku menyimpang dengan fikir fikir manusia yang lain, Kau benarkan aku membina perkataa yang tiada dalam kamus manusia biasa biasa.

Tapi Kau masih belum beri aku kekuatan untuk menghadapi manusia manusia yang sukar untuk aku berkongsi tentang pemberian yang kau beri. Jadi Tuhan tolong beri aku itu sekarang.