Dec 27, 2014

akibat

media sosial menjadi fitnah yang enak untuk dibanggakan. walau apa alasan yang kau beri, walau kau pertahankan teknologi, kau takan dapat nafikan tetang keenakan berbuat dosa di media sosial. ada jugak entri entri gua sebelum ni pasal media sosial atau alat yang dikatakan memudahkan manusia ini, tapi gua guna istilah 'alam maya' atau 'fantasi' dan sebagainya.

mungkin dosa di dunia fantasi ini lebih enak dilakukan, jadi ia tidak seperti dosa dosa lain seperti merokok, berpasang pasangan sebelum kahwin, berkata busuk depan depan, atau mengambil dadah. tapi ia dosa yang dibanggakan. fitnah yang terlalu besar ini jugak dah dinasihatkan oleh ulama atau ustad ustad yang gua kenal. jadi pahal gua ada lagi akaun twitter, facebook dan instagram? (pstt, lupa gua dah takde twitter). well, sebab gua faham tentang fitnah ni, jadi gua nak tinggalkan susah, jadi gua kurangkan.

pernah sekali di tempat gua, lama dulu sebelum gua ada facebook, bencana alam yang sangat besar jugak berlaku. gua teringat kisah gua dulu, kemudian gua bandingkan. bekalan juga terputus, rumah gua tak pernah pernah kena, tetiba kena, minyak petrol terpaksa beli guna botol orang jual kat tepi jalan and that time, my father wasn't with us, dia outstation. gua tak balik rumah hampir seminggu or seminggu lebih. dan bencana tu bukan berlaku sekali, tapi dua kali. kau tak rasa payah sebab zaman tu takde bendalah teknologi ni, jadi kalau nak tahu kena beli suratkhabar. tapi gua tak sangka, penangan teknologi atau so-called media sosial ni lagi power daripada suratkhabar.


by the way, it is not about the story, it is about how well news is spread. yes, technologies made us easy, by transferring information to one another, but when the news are dominated by less-educated people, who tend to tell everyone about their theories, how they expect and what facts that their mind has about the relationship between this disaster and religion, then not only the real states are flooded but social media as well. mulalah segala teori yang kadang gua dengan kawan gua ni rasa lawak, so kitorang gelak sama. oh kawan gua tu pun blooger gak, if you want to read his blog, click here

I am hoping that all of the people around the world, especially Muslims, you have to know about this fitnah, and if you love yourself, you need to do something about it. I love myself and I love you too, we are almost in the end of the time. so please stop spreading news that is not known to be reliable.

I love all of you.

Dec 19, 2014

moral

moral manusia berubah mengikut arus semasa. orang kata go with the flow bro, tapi aku tak salahkan meraka. dan memang kena ikut arus supaya kita tak kekok untuk hadapi kehidupan seharian kita. cuma tak perlu kesemuanya kita kena tinggalkan hanya dengan alasan "mengikut arus semasa".

dasawarsa ni, moral manusia nampak seperti lebih sopan, lebih menunduk daripada mendongak, lebih kurang berkata daripada berborak tak tentu hala, lebih banyak masa dihabiskan di rumah sendiri tanpa bergantung pada orang lain dan yang lebih penting, lebih kurang mengetahui hal hal dunia "sebenar".

tapi aku hairan, kenapa kebanyakan manusia yang kononya mengikut arus ni bila berhadapan dengan situasi yang orang tua tua kata "kehidupan", mereka lebih banyak melarikan diri daripada menghadapi. duh, moral manusia yang nampak seperti lebih sopan ni sebenarnya lebih mendongak, lebih banyak berkata dan lebih banyak bergantung pada teknologi yang disimpan di poket poket, dan yang lebih penting, lebih banyak belajar dunia "sebenar" dengan membaca tulisan tulisan palsu di alam yang gua panggil maya.


aku hairan sepatutnya dunia yang orang panggil dihujung jari ni lebih mudah mengenal seseorang manusia atau masalah dunia tetapi tidak. mereka lebih suka berkawan dengan tulisan, memilih kawan di senarai kenalan untuk bercerita, lebih lembab dalam menghadapi masalah "kehidupan" dan lebih banyak membaca puisi dan prinsip prinsip yang entah tak apa apa.

jadi cukuplah dengan dunia ilusi tu, ambil tahu pasal dunia luar, ambil tahu tentang masalah manusia, bersosial tanpa menggunakan medium ketiga, dan hadapi masalah dengan kelima lima pancaindera,

look up, turn off your devices, and get real.

Dec 16, 2014

sengsara mencari kebahagiaan

mencari kebahagiaan bukanlah sesuatu yang mudah, pelbagai rencana diatur untuk mencari kebahagiaan, walaupun secebis.


bahagia ini terlalu sukar pada aku, kerana bagi aku kebahagiaan itu kekal. bahagia kau dengan pelbagai coretan pada hari hari sebelum yang kau kenang kenang sampai kau tersenyum itu tidak kekal dan peluang yang kau ada untuk kembalikan masa itu juga tipis atau mungkin tiada langsung. walaupun, kebahagiaan yang kau kenang tak mungkin dapat kau hadapi lagi, tapi kau dapat nikmati ia dalam memori dan kemudian kau sedar ia hanya ilusi yang kau gambar gambar sahaja. suatu masa nanti kau juga akan sedar, yang kebahagiaan itu bukanlah bahagia sebenarnya, tetapi ialah keseronokan yang sangat mencurigakan, sehingga kau akan menganggap ia syurga.

"kerana itu ia sangat mencurigakan."

Dec 11, 2014

separah

keadaan yang semakin teruk, ditambah lagi dengan perasaan yang pelbagai. parah weh. mungkin kali ini aku perlukan ubat anti depresi mengikut masa yang disyorkan. sebab aku kalau boleh semua ubat aku nak telan, but not anymore. 

selama ni okay je kalau nak buat assignment but this semester is different. since kelas pun dah tak selalu ada, kerja kumpulan pun jadi payah. informasi yang disampaikan pun payah nak sampai, walaupun dah ada group dalam whatsapp, masih lagi bercanggah atau payah nak capai persetujuan. masa yang ada untuk jumpa pun tehad, mungkin ada sesetengah yang selalu jumpa di makmal for final year project laboratory experiment. tapi apapun, semua tu pada aku mungkin persediaan sebelum semua blah cari haluan masing masing. kawan tak semua akan kekal selamanya, but I would always spent few time to reminiscing about the moments we have been through. ha time ni la baru teringat bapak aku cakap "ni baru nak hidup berdikari." *tears*

ok bapak gue ngerti. 

berkata dusta

mengikut aliran situasi yang mengalir seperti sungai tetapi pandai berkata kata bak air di tasik yang nampak tenang tapi penuh dengan perkara yang kotor kotor. waima, pulanglah dengan narsis yang kau bina sendiri, bosan dengan tingkah laku yang entah apa apa kau pamerkan. aku tambahbaik bahan yang termaktub di dalam buku resipi aku, untuk terus menyimpan rasa diam dan melepaskan letupan mengikut keadaan. masalahnya, kesemua haiwan haiwan di hutan terlalu permalu dan sesetengahnya belum berani untuk keluar untuk membenarkan apa yang dikatakan dulu. sebab perkara yang dahulu itu memang sebenarnya dusta belaka. walaupun sedih dengan sang bodoh yang menjadi bahan untuk dililit di kawasan rukun tetangga yang sebelum kata kata dusta itu diluahkan, kawasan yang dikenali dengan nama harmoni dengan diri sendiri, telah dikotorkan dengan sifat luar tabii yang sebenarnya menyakitkan hati.

aku harap pemarah aku dapat diletakan ditempat yang sesuai.

Dec 9, 2014

sedikit adab masjid

masjid bagi aku tempat yang sangat mulia. tempat yang perlu dihormati, sedang adab perjalanan jika terlihat masjid perlulah berselawat ke atas Nabi. jadi tunjukan adab kau ketika di masjid, terutamanya.

pertama ketika masuk ke masjid, jika dah berwudu' (jika belum pergi wudhu' dulu), dahulukan kaki kanan dan berdoa. lalu di belakang orang yang sedang solat dan laksanakan solat di tempat yang bukan laluan. duduk dengan sopan, dan jika kau baring, baring di kawasan yang jarang digunakan untuk solat, dan baring bukan lutut tu ditinggikan dan juga bukan meniarap. tiada tidur di masjid kecuali kau berniat iktikaf. jadi kalau nak tidur sebentar, berniat iktikaf dahulu dan sebolehnya kau gunakan alas yang kau bawa sendiri, dan bukan sejadah. gunakan sebaiknya akal yang tuhan beri untuk menikmati ketenangan di dalam masjid. suara bacaan quran mesti lebih rendah daripada suara bacaan orang solat, dan suara bacaan zikir mesti lebih rendah daripada suara orang yang membaca quran. dan jika kau keluar, dahulukan kaki kiri dan berdoa. 

masjid mungkin tempat yang biasa biasa bagi sesetengah manusia, tapi bukan aku. aku letakan masjid sebagai tempat yang penuh dengan rahmat, dan tempat yang sesuai untuk berkhalwat dengan tuhan.

semoga Allah kekalkan adab ni dalam diri aku, dan orang lain. 

to all narcissistic people

"too bad you can't see what I see."

but I am having fun with your story, really

Dec 7, 2014

masih di darjah lagi

when I remember those time when I was little, I kept looking for my friends attention every time I met them. I looked happy whenever my friends are around me but I didn't really have "friends". I have this one friend, we are really good but most of our time were spent in the evening after school time. I play football only during pendidikan jasmani period and before I went to secondary school, I knew nothing about sports, seriously and that was over until my first day on secondary school.

when I was at home, most of my activities would be indoor. playing whatever toys, books or anything. but it was different when I was at kampung (every holidays I would be left at kampung), outdoor activities were the coolest thing ever. tangkap atau jerat ayam, main layang layang, mandi kolam ikan, pancing ikan orang dan banyak lagi la.


semua yang aku buat kat rumah, atau kat kampung selalunya mengikut had yang mak bapak aku atau nenek atuk aku tetapkan. walaupun dalam sesetengah perkara aku tetap berdegil untuk melebihi had tetapi semuanya tidak menjadi masalah jika perkara itu tidak diketahui, hihi. aku juga sedar ketika di rumah, aku takda keinginan untuk keluar sangat, tapi kalau kat kampung, keluar atau di rumah pun tiada masalah. jadi, aku rasa dari alam semulajadi yang cantik di kampung ke bandar yang bising bising tu di rumah, membentuk dua jiwa yang berbeza dalam diri aku.

kerana dua jiwa yang berbeza tu memang rasa tertekan sebenarnya. 

Dec 2, 2014

tak payah

kau belum faham lagi apa ertinya kepayahan, bila kau tak pernah rasa payahnya melawan nafsu.

cakap memang tak payah.

Nov 30, 2014

ketakutan

takut untuk biar hati ini membenarkan apa yang aku mahu. sebenarnya aku takut kehilangan yang lebih daripada apa yang aku hilang selama ini. tetapi kehilangan juga sesuatu yang baik sebenarnya. dengan izin Allah, biar hati ini memilih jalan-Nya.

Bismillah.

Nov 27, 2014

hitler has made a statement

"I got 9 As and 1 B. I could have straight A's on my SPM, but I left 1 B to let the world know that As are not everything." - facebook status

came across this statement remind me about my past examinations. As ain't everything but of course your chances is high to get into top university to further your study, but it is not always helpful. I felt hopeless after few times my application for scholarship weren't accepted. I could have reached my potential of being a student if I got the scholarship though, it is kind of motivational for me but I didn't succeed. I feel weak and even weaker when I found out this place isn't a place of study at all. it is the environment that made me feel weak, and everyday is a challenge for me to continue living my life over here.

looking at my previous result makes me a little surprised, and I thought I could have been better. I believe what has been destined is just right for me, I believe that Allah has a better plan for me in the near future, either in my faith or my worldly perspectives.

however it is, I would try my best to improve myself, to improve my quality of life by learning lessons from the nature more than human, it is just because nature didn't change that much and God hide secrets behind it. life is complicated just like how complicated your body respond to any environmental changes and it can be learnt for those who wants to.

but I am still looking forward to learning human psychology in more details, 

Nov 26, 2014

ewah

dah lama 'dia' hidup dengan gua, so gua rasa gua nak kenal dengan 'dia'. 

selamat malam. 

Nov 22, 2014

terima kasih dan maaf

terima kasih dan maaf ni pada gua memang mempunyai perasaan yang berbeza. terima kasih dan maaf juga pada gua sangat bernilai, sangat bernilai.

sejak gua belajar kat sini, kebanyakan perkataan perkataan yang aku rasa bernilai, dengan mudah dikotorkan dengan mulut mulut manusia yang busuk. kalau tidak mulut yang busuk, masakan perkataan perkataan itu boleh dikotorkan bukan? 

seperti terima kasih dan maaf juga telah dikotorkan. terima kasih ni macam seseorang yang lapar, lalu dia bersungguh mencari makanan dan akhirnya dia berterima kasih kepada sang pemberi. dan terima kasih ni sangat berkualiti dan boleh diterima pakai. berbeza dengan seseorang yang lapar lalu dia meminta sedangkan dia mampu untuk berusaha dan akhirnya dia dengan bersahaja berterima kasih kepada sang pemberi. terima kasih seperti ini pada aku telah dikotorkan secara total. 

begitu juga dengan maaf. ia seperti sang raja yang telah membunuh jutaan rakyatnya, kemudian dia bertaubat lalu meminta maaf secara rambang walau di hadapan ahli keluarga mereka dan meminta untuk dibalas dengan kadar yang setimpal. maaf seperti ini sangat bernilai dan tidak tercemar walaupun sedikit. sebaliknya, jika sang raja yang membunuh jutaan rakyatnya, kemudian dia menyesal lalu meminta maaf melalui siaran khas di kaca televisyen, kemudian dia bersuka ria dengan kehidupannya. maaf ini telah dikotorkan dengan zalim, dan perlu dihina sampai mati.

mungkin analogi ini terlalu tinggi bagi sesetengah manusia yang masih menilai melalui perspekstif yang tidak seimbang. mungkin entri kali ni gua belum lagi beremosi secara lebih garang. cuma sedih tengok manusia ni, kata orang tapi dia pun sama, ada yang lebih teruk lagi tapi kadang kelakar pun ada. gua pun selalu jugak cakap tak serupa bikin, tapi gua sedar benda tu.

semoga Allah beri hidayah dan petunjuk pada gua dan semua.
seperkara yang aku telah lupa bahawa semuanya ditadbir oleh Allah.
dan sepatutnya aku membuatkan pentadbirku suka, bukan manusia.

kerana maksud hidup manusia biasa saja berubah, mengikut suka. 

Nov 19, 2014

naluri alam

hujan yang seperti tiada rasa malu untuk meluahkan rasa sedihnya. awan awan bersatu dan menutup matahari seperti menyembunyikan sesuatu daripada bumi. mendung dan suasana nyaman yang dibawa angin berkeras untuk tinggal bersama, siapa sangka ego mereka lebih tinggi dari awan sehingga tulang yang membentuk tubuh ini terpaksa menikmati rasa sejuk yang dicucuk mereka. ombak jugak tidak ketinggalan mencari ruang untuk memperkenalkan diri walaupun terpaksa membunuh rakannya sendiri. pokok pokok seperti biasa teguh dengan pendirian mereka, tetapi ada juga yang tumbang. mungkin ada sesuatu yang sains belum lagi mendapatkan jawapan kepada persoalan ini.

atau mungkin ini masanya kita biarkan alam beremosi.

Nov 17, 2014

a neglected letter

I have been always wanted to tell you about our story which you probably have forgotten. you are the only girl that I think I fit in. though at some point, we have grown up, and changed as well.

however, the story that made up our relationship this far is always playing again and again in my head. I neglect to get closer to any girls in university which made myself a bit nerd as I looked in class. but I feel lonely sometimes, then I tried to contact you and story-telling. but you didn't respond very well. I feel guilty over again.

I hope you will remember all of the things that tied us up as friends, or maybe I told myself we are not just friends but more than that. 

I miss you but I couldn't tell. 

Regards,
Arifsamshuri

Nov 15, 2014

selamat ulang tahun kelahiran ke dua puluh empat

puluhan ribu noktah yang hilang,
walau tiada yang mampu dikembalikan,
mungkin ada jugak yang diusap usap,
tapi rasa rindu ini juga masih lagi segar,
dan masih lagi dapat dirasa dan dinikmati.


selamat hari jadi kak.

13 November 2014 yang lepas. 

Nov 13, 2014

jadi esok ada kerja lapangan untuk subjek parasit di tasik kenyir. fikiran aku tak lekang dengan amukan emosi yang memaksa aku untuk berenang kali ni. dah terlalu lama masalahnya aku tak main air. tapi tengoklah nanti macam mana.

oh jadi ketua lagi.

Nov 12, 2014

a change

everyday when I woke up, I would try my best to be positive, which I thought the vibes could help me get through the day. however, I failed, and I get angry to myself. it is not nice to judge people by saying they are negative and I am not labeling particular person as negative but the negative comes up in everyone, including myself. but this sort of negatives vibe either from people surround me, or even from myself, stop me from being positive. then I change the term positive to happiness, and to be happy instead of being positive.


so I watched this one video about how to be happy by David Steindl-Rast. his talk was very inspiring. he relates happiness with gratefulness. when we are being grateful, we will be happy but not every time when we are happy, we are being grateful. yess, that is one of the part that I missed, even though I had been taught about gratefulness in Islam since I was young. I feel as if this feeling should be a common sense so I never figure it out. well, I was wrong from the start. I should find the method to feel grateful. every moment was given to us is a chance for us, to look for an opportunity to be grateful. perhaps, I could try it more often.

grateful makes me happy, then hopefully by being happy makes me positive. 

Nov 11, 2014

sometimes showing up ourselves is good. but to show up that we are good by condemning others is a disrespectful way to do. that shows how wise we are in our own life. just know where we stand on every situations will make we think again before we do, and that would make a change, perhaps to have a better life.

if we don't, happiness will never be spreading.

Nov 10, 2014

some theories pt 2

you need to study to be clever. yes, studying is part of life. you are learning ever since you were in your mom's womb. but how do we exactly learn? is there any standard way to learning?

to perceive what you received is one of the tools that I do in order for me to keep learning in my life. some people might say you study a lot but u learn nothing. well, I would say studying is part of learning. learning is a big word in my definition. sometimes I study to pass the examination but in long-term effects, it is not happening.

when you learn something, it is not only your knowledge increases but you behavior changes as well. you know how to sort out your priorities, you know which is good and bad, or you can even identify lies and truths. if we didn't change, we are not learning. it is hard to say most of the people nowadays are good at their results but not in real life. they will find themselves not moving forward. they stop and be comfortable with their position while others are trying so hard to move. they know they could move because they have knowledge but they don't want to. in certain extent, they might stop other people as well, that is why learning pushes us forward, even a little.

learning is for living, we should understand that. 

Nov 9, 2014

I am the one who has strong preferences with fluctuation of mood. feeling is uncertain. we might say I feel good today and I am going to do something productive. after a few hours, your feeling might change in another way. this is what I always think about every time my feeling gets worst.

recently I posted about getting positive everyday and sort of things that lead us to a better life. also in every actions we take, there will be obstacles that lie upon right in front of us. identifying what stops us from being positive isn't enough, but learning how to face it professionally does matter.



right at this moment, I am still trying to control my mind so that I could control my body which later defines my behavior. it is a lovely task to share to everybody after you have achieve a little happiness even though it seems not to be a big concern to anybody but you value yourself by knowing you have done to sharing the idea of being happy.

spread love, not legs.

Nov 8, 2014

some theories pt 1

I am very interested in the way of great scientists think and sometimes I could get amazed on every little things they did, for example how they found the pathway of metabolism in a cell or even in organelles.  

I am interested in theory of evolution, because it is still theory then it remains to be a hypothesis. I can be a real bias with what I am going to say but perhaps this thoughts could be shared and consistently improved over time, just like evolution.

because there is no substantial amount of proof to answer this controversy, creationist takes into account the fact that evolution never happens. evolution can be through natural selection or mutation. how well organism can manage to handle stress in their changing environment depends on the next generation which genetic information is passed on. over time, information about the stress can be included into the gene sequence so that the latter could survive and continue to reproduce. if there is abrupt change in environment such as exposure to harmful chemical that can disrupt their gene, mutation could occur but usually mutation couldn't last longer. 

well I could say that the intermediate species such as apes (believed to be prehistoric man) and amphibian mammals (fossil records) could not survive during their period because they cannot tolerate with the environment. They might lack of gene that enable them to survive which their offspring have, abundantly. genetic study is relatively new but it could be a comprehensive idea to support the hypothesis. this might not support my believe as I am one of the creationist as well but I could consider because I am a biologist in-the-making. 

science is improving because people wanted to know, to understand and to find what they really are. together with this fast-growing technologies, people can access information all over the world by just grasping tablet and start browsing. however, they don't really understand the purposes of getting this knowledge. scientist might find this very helpful to overcome problems, reduce pollution and retain sustainable living. accordingly, the purpose might be in another way around. some people might take it for granted, assuming that nature can recover itself.

doesn't matter how hard we try to find the answer will finally lead us to our own Creator, Allah the almighty. 

Nov 2, 2014

It has been two years since I have been trying so hard to overcome my mental problem. Well I do sometimes hear sound inside my head but it is not as often as two years back. If I would like to procrastinate, that must be the moment when I found myself alive after I being saved by a group of people when I felt dying in life, literally.

TBH, a little thought will eventually give you a very stunning experience which nobody has never had the same. I know that my little thought, but meaningful, caused my Lord, Creator of universe to send a really kind group of people and saved me from forever drowning.

If we never care about our wrongdoings, never tried to improved ourselves or leave those bad things behind, then there is no point we live in this world. Living isn't just a process of tasting the beauty of creations but it handles responsibilities, which no creation ever dare to handle but human.

As human, I do wrongs as well even I have understood my nature. It is not everything I can handle at once. So I do hope one day, in a very near future, my Lord grant me an ability to controlling my mind totally so that I can control my actions too.

Nov 1, 2014

knowing the best

I know I have always made people think that I have a lot of experience, though I think people have more than me. I couldnt tell whatever I have had in my past. If I could say, people are so busy doing things that is wasting their time.

Because I have done almost all of it.

malu

Tuhan Kau letakan aku di tempat yang membuat aku bimbang akan kebebasan, Kau biarkan fikir aku menyimpang dengan fikir fikir manusia yang lain, Kau benarkan aku membina perkataa yang tiada dalam kamus manusia biasa biasa.

Tapi Kau masih belum beri aku kekuatan untuk menghadapi manusia manusia yang sukar untuk aku berkongsi tentang pemberian yang kau beri. Jadi Tuhan tolong beri aku itu sekarang.

Oct 30, 2014

jasa

kurang atau lebih kebanyakan manusia akan cenderung ke arah membalas jasa setelah budi diberi. jadi mana hilangnya ikhlas dan perintah tuhan. kadang kadang manusia terlalu jauh menyimpang, kerana terlalu banyak berfikir dan melawan. manusia akan berfikir dan mempersoalkan undang undang tuhan, malah ada yang melawan. 

jika semua jasa perlu dibalas, mana datangnya keindahan menjadi baik? mana datangnya naluri manusia untuk membantu dan akhirnya tiada siapa yang bertanggungjawab dengan kemusnahan akhlak dikalangan manusia. bukankah manusia itu dipertanggungjawabkan untuk menyebarkan rasa cinta keseluruh pelosok nadi dunia?

tapi ada yang kononnya benci itu lebih seronok disebarkan.

Oct 29, 2014

pengajaran

sesuatu yang berlaku tidak aku label pengajaran, tetapi apa yang membuatkan perkara itu berlaku. mungkin lebih kepada perkara yang negatif atau yang bodoh bodoh.

mungkin amalan berhadapan dengan manusia melalui medium yang semakin canggih ni pada aku tak masuk akal. kan mungkin wajar jika kau memaafkan aku kalau ada apa apa yang merosakan dalam apa apa medium yang aku cuba celup dan rasa. rasa bersalah tetap ada dan kau perlu maafkan aku bukan dengan cara itu rasa bersalah tu hilang, tetapi untuk aku lepaskan diri aku daripada disoal di alam akhirat nanti. apa apa yang dalam media sosial je aku mintak maaf ok. yang real belum sebab masih ego lagi. 

hehe takdelah, yang real nanti aku mintak maaf real ok.

Oct 27, 2014

dwindle a little

when you have enough what you have, the tendency of getting boast increases. I learnt something from my nature, I know what I can and cannot do. it is like a formula, formula of hacking life in certain extend. for example when life is giving you lemons, make lemonade. but of course there are a lot more but I am sure what I have right now is enough for me to feel grateful and thankful. I took every good events and positive words into account.

but I wonder, still, how could someone be so annoying by proposing their agenda to the world that their opinion and their experience are the greatest invention or history that world had ever had. do they share? but I don't see they share. they are more like centering themselves in every stories they tell. till now that is the code which I have no idea how to brake yet. but one day I will. because I think that is the problem that I can't handle in my daily life, and I am not sure it is my problem or their problem. but the problem starts within yourself, it is either you realize it or ignore it.

however it is, the problems are still there.

Oct 26, 2014

beautiful life

I am afraid of being lonely, being stranded in an island of nowhere. but being a sailor is a good idea. do you ever think how do sailors go to the sea for years, and what do you expect of what would happen in big mysterious ocean without knowing you will ever come to the land or not? 

one chinese proverb says "you can go to the mountain but not to the sea." (I don't know the validity of this because I heard from one of my friends during volunteer program). maybe people are not suggesting the ocean because if you don't know how to swim, you will die. I think the sailor has a good leadership, mostly on managing the water supply for drink. how much gallons of water supply do you expect on one ship to carry? it is different when you go to the mountain, you will definitely find water. 



now which do you prefer to be?

Oct 22, 2014

I want to feel that too

I guess if you wanna taste the beauty of life, you gotta be fearless.

having difficult time to understand sometimes people heart are softer than silk or what ever thing that you think it is soft. even though you see bad ass who think they are gangster in certain way, they do have soft heart as well. I think in million things we do, less than half that we appreciated. how could we appreciate all of them when some of them happened without our willingness? so here come the part where God told you to believe in destiny, to believe in Him, to believe that what ever happens to you has reasons which only He knows but not you.

I am fearless in majority of steps I took in my life, and in the end that just made me hopeless, because not everyone is with you and sometimes you are alone. I like to do something that is really really hardcore and bad as well. it comes to be hopeless when I find it hard to let those go. it feels like it is part of my life which I can't ignore and every time I try to ignore, the core of this came out and hold me tight. so tell me how do I taste the beauty of life by being fearless and hopeless.

and tell me how to ignore those shits. 

Oct 21, 2014

21 dan matang


you know it is kind of awkward moment when you never had a birthday celebration and you have it when you are 21. I don't know how to feel, how to react and what to do at all.

my age has already reached 21 and I need to do what 21 people gotta do. the problem is what do they do? haha. as I wish everyday is staying positive and do not get mad. because that is what I think "hablu minan nas" works. secondly, but not really a second wish but all of these are kind of related to each other, that is to be steadfast and learn Islam in a way that Rasul asked us to do. that one is "hablu minAllah" kind of business. these two is very crucial that makes me feel bad if I could not make it.

If I have to choose between numbers and words, I will choose words.

Oct 15, 2014

penat

Project proposal writing is in progress. I think this is not really as hard as kerja lapangan but i dont know why do I always get tired. Its like when you eat and after that you feel tired and you dont know what to do anymore in fact there are bundles of works you need to get it done. Its just this tired feelings that bothers me in recent days. I wake up late everyday and thats not me at all. I could get up easily before this and by recently having this wake-up-late kind of habit makes me sick.

I think i need to recalibrate my mind and body so they works together as one. I dont want my brain and my body work in different way because you have no idea what would happen if your brain or mind wont cooperate with your body.

I have no idea too

Oct 14, 2014

exist

past few days I have thought of getting a job, and married. well sometimes I feel I don't want to continue my study but I have no choice but to continue. and choosing where will I continue is always a problem.

rezeki kan, siapa tahu.

Oct 12, 2014

leaving

it isn't hard to leave. but for certain people, they don't consider our leaving is something usual. in certain extent, they consider our leaving as a protest, or something to do with getting attention. period.

I wonder how these kind of people are still exist. 

Oct 11, 2014

choosing

terlalu banyak pilihan dalam kotak pemikiran yang kadang kadang benda tersebut menjadi terlalu serabut untuk difikirkan.

for example of choosing in my life is always happening inside my head. my brain can process the melody of something but my heart doesn't appear to like it. it's even more complicated than to choose your meal while looking at the menu booklet in restaurant.

sometimes when I am listening to dancing musics, at the same time I want to listen to the instrumental, or emotional musics.

it is worse isn't? mentally worse.

Oct 8, 2014

mind set

"say is easier than done."

Some people keep saying to themselves, today should be better than yesterday. how do we define better? to me being able to blend with different kind of people is my challenge, and all the positives vibes passes to one and another is my objectives everyday. people might do mistakes, even we don't realize that we are actually making mistakes. remember that the purpose of my life is to have a strong relationship with God and be kind to people. but sometimes, I do it in a wrong way. 

Recently my mind keeps telling me that the positive vibes isn't the thing that you search for, but it is built in you. it is you who is responsible to tell the world that I am positive, and I want you to be positive as well. 

Well sometimes my definition of positive is beyond what is it and I do mistakes. a lot. so I do hope that all of the people who know me, forgive and forget what I have done. because this is not Hari Raya, so I wish you Happy October. 

10 days to go and I will be 21.

menulis

"Saya catat setiap perkara yang buat saya gembira pada setiap hari sebelum tidur dalam buku kecil saya. Saya harap suatu hari nanti ketika saya bersedih saya akan baca semula apa apa yang ada dalam buku kecil saya."

Tapi kalau gua, gua ingat je. Sebab gua malas nak menulis.

Oct 6, 2014

usah dibiar

Meletak tinggi diri sendiri dan mengganggap rendah cerita lain padahal member niat nak berkongsi sahaja. Tak kesian ke kat member tu?

Manusia macam ni memang usah dibiar hidup. hapuskan. hehe

Oct 4, 2014

dalam

dalam banyak banyak perkara, antara benda yang paling gua benci adalah rasa bersalah dan kesalahan itu membawa kepada persoalan adakah aku dibenci? tapi kalau dimaafkan, perkara tu yang paling seronok sekali.

betul bukan?

Oct 1, 2014

cabaran

"cabaran bagi manusia yang positif adalah manusia yang negatif." - gua

tapi orang yang baru nak belajar jadi positif macam gua ni, berhadapan dengan manusia negatif tu bukan lagi cabaran, tapi tengok muka dari 10 kilometer jauh je pun dah hilang terus positif gua.

macam mana nak jadi positif? 

hari yang kecil

Saya rasa dunia ini tidak adil. Bertahun saya mencari resipi untuk tidak dinodai kemarahan diakhiri dengan kemarahan yang amat. Saya memendam rasa yang sepatutnya saya luahkan selama mana yang saya mampu untuk lakukan. Tapi hari ini mengajar saya apa itu erti benci. Dahulu saya merasakan bahawa membenci seseorang itu maksudnya menumbuk di muka ataupun menghancurkan kebahagiaan orang yang saya benci. Tetapi hari ini, Tuhan telah tunjukan pada saya maksud benci itu adalah kemarahan yang timbul di dalam diri saya sendiri sedangkan yang dibenci itu hanya gembira melihat saya memendam rasa.

Tetapi saya belum cukup bodoh, setelah bertahun kajian saya tentang momen yang terjadi dan secara tidak sengaja melintasi sepotong ayat yang menyatakan tenaga negatif yang kita salurkan pada alam adalah tidak baik untuk diri saya sendiri, saya tidak lagi membenci malah saya lebih menyukai orang yang saya benci selama ini.

Benci datangnya daripada cemburu, tapi saya masih belum jumpa ubat untuk mengubati perasaan cemburu ini.

Sep 29, 2014

masalah

"masalah itu adalah apabila kau merasa sesuatu yang berlaku itu negatif, negatif, negatif dan menyusahkan." - gua

tapi gua tahu nak jadi optimis macam gua ni susah.

Sep 27, 2014

status

yang status gua tu bujang. dan belum ada lagi niat dihati untuk merembat bunga di mana mana taman. jadi kalau siapa siapa nak ikut gua, silakan. kita bujang sampai kahwin. sebab kawan gua yang promised nak ikut gua pun cair dengan bunga taik ayam. what the hell? haha.

sekian.

Sep 15, 2014

choose me


"I think she's caught between who she is and what she wants to be."

but you can always choose me.

cubit pipi kau

you will learn things in life. feeling is the first thing you will learn, and forever learnt. it is not easy to say something you have gone through, the pain, the happiness and for sure the appreciation. for me, pain and happiness are the basic things that will everyday happen to us. but how much you appreciate the feeling does matter.

I tried to neglect all the pain I get, and tried to cover it up with happiness. well, I could say if no one makes you happy why not you make yourself happy?

I have tried this one thing that has blown up my mind in total. smiling. I was not a smiling person in real and in any of the social media as well. it is not easy to smile when you are tired, fucked up or even when you are mad but I kept practicing myself to smile, even I don't have a really nice smile but that is. through time, I found it interesting, beautiful. you can make a stranger smile back at you with your little stare and smile and sometimes smiling can be a starter for any strangers to become friends!



so what's up with those mixed feelings and stuffs? be beautiful everyday, man. you have a nice smile and please beautify this world with smiles. don't worry about yourself too much because you have God already to take care of you. cheer up the world together, and send beautiful messages to people around you.

because that is one of the reasons we are sent her for, right?

Sep 9, 2014

pelabuhan misteri

aku anggar kehidupan ini boleh dikira kira,
untuk menghadapi pelbagai laluan misteri,
misteri yang kau anggap ia biasa biasa,
padahal kau tak tahu di mana kau berada,
tanpa kira kira.

aku cuba anggarkan kembali,
di mana silapnya kira kira yang aku guna selama ini,
masihkah ia kukuh untuk kesepuluh tahun lagi?

satu persatu pelabuhan aku singgah,
ada juga aku beli souvenir untuk aku kenang kenang,
tapi untuk pelabuhan yang aku pun tak tahu keberapa,
aku rasa aku harus lepaskan sauh semantapnya,
kemudian aku bakar kapal yang aku layarkan,
kerana aku tahu pelabuhan kali ini,
pelabuhan yang misteri.

itupun selepas aku sedar,
bahawa yang kira kira itu hanya membawa aku mengelilingi dunia.

bukan menikmatinya.

Aug 24, 2014

reminiscing the past that we poorly understood

meeting cousins and talked about family matters is kind of new to me. well perhaps we haven't met for a long time so we lepak till 4 though I know I need to get up early on the next day to meet those monkeys in the picture. haha I miss you guys to the moon and back. well, there is something that in the past that we have to let go, but not all of them. 


we will be friends forever kan.

Aug 21, 2014

Tuhan

terbang aku tak setinggi imanku,
tunduk aku tak seikhlas niatku,
tapi biarkan aku tunduk dengan perintahMu,
walau aku terus berdosa kepadaMu.

biar suatu hari nanti aku terus mencintaiMu.

Aug 19, 2014

hairan

"dengan manusia yang serba tahu,
tetapi sifar pada keseluruhannya."

Aug 16, 2014

sabar sikit

"keluarga saya bukan jenis yang suka berkongsi masalah. jadi saya perlukan sesuatu untuk lepaskan rasa tertekan dalam jiwa saya ni, kalau tak meletup." - Fynn Jamal

renggang tapi aku masih perlukan sedikit kata untuk merangsang hati yang sudah berhabuk ni, sehingga aku dah lupa bagaimana rasanya, walaupun aku dihidangkan dengan pelbagai rasa, aku tetap memilih untuk mengetepikan rasa cinta. penatnya jika usaha untuk merapatkan kembali yang renggang renggang itu diranap dengan hanya sepatah dua kata yang pada aku sakit jugak sebenarnya. tapi sampai bila? ikut hati aku pergi mati sama kau punya rasa. tapi aku fikir, kita masih keluarga.

kau tak sedih ke bila kau rasa macam tak seronoknya lepak dengan keluarga?

Aug 15, 2014

luka

jika kau belum terasa,
dengan beta punya kata kata,
memang kau belum kenal siapa beta.

raja luka yang pandai berpura pura menjaga hati rakyat jelata.

Aug 13, 2014

sebelum apa apa

"what brain can conceive and believe, we can achieve."

it's true when people start to talk about what happen to them in their perspective, and we are not the right ones to judge but to bare in mind that we are different in many ways. that makes up life. I tried to be optimist every time I blend with people, or observing. I think I am good with easygoing people, though I am not the one who can be really good at making friends. I wonder these people won my heart easily.


you have to start making friends with me before I do. and that is a very good start between me and you.

Aug 7, 2014

manusia unreal


tak faham dengan manusia manusia yang gua panggil unreal ni. manusia yang bergantung sepenuhnya atau pun lebih daripada separuh hidupnya dengan membaca bahan bahan yang berunsur terkini di laman web. gua lebih respect pada orang yang lebih suka membaca suratkhabar, buku, tengok dokumentari ataupun lepak dengan member kat kedai kopi borak borak kosong. jadi gua memilih untuk diam dan terus merokok.

sekurang kurangnya diorang ni tak timbulkan provokasi.

Aug 6, 2014

Flores

pengalaman gua bergaul dengan pendatang asing memang selamanya memberi kesan kepada gua. nilai hidup yang mereka pegang selama diorang hidup memang gua salute lebih lagi ramah diorang kalau dah dapat masuk tu, gelak memanjang. tadi gua jumpa endon ni isi minyak lori. dia dari Flores, Indonesia. bila dia cakap Flores tu kepulauan, terus gua excited. so gua dah set satu hari nanti mesti pergi Flores. selalu lepak dengan bangla, cakap dengan endon pun jadi macam bangla do. sebab bangla ni happening sikit haha.


kadang rasa syukur, boleh fikir nak menikmati indahnya alam. ada orang tinggalkan keindahan tempat sendiri sebab nak cari rezeki.

Aug 4, 2014

senyum

dah sebulan gua belajar senyum, seriously it isn't an easy thing to do. kau boleh kata tak susah senyum tapi cuba kau senyum kat setiap orang yang kau jumpa, lainlah kalau kau menghadap phone or laptop je satu hari. pernah sekali gua dah aim sorang pakcik ni, muka dia masam macam baru lepas makan cuka. then bila dia keluar je kereta gua sampuk dengan senyuman manis, terus dia senyum. comel.


sekarang senyum pada gua bukan bermaksud aku bahagia, tapi biar aku bagi kau bahagia sama.

Penat


Bila kau rasa penat kerana tenaga dan masa kau dihabiskan bersama keluarga,
atau kawan kawan yang sentiasa ada.

kau takan rasa penat kau sesuatu yang sia-sia.

Jul 25, 2014

masyarakat

dalam keadaan yang payah dan pedih ni masih lagi ramai yang berpura pura mencari redhaNya padahal diorang tak buat apa apa pun. kau rasa kau boleh berjaya kalau kau tak belajar langsung? I don't think you can even answer the first question during the exam if you didn't even come to the class and flap through notes. dalam dunia yang takda nilai di sisiNya pun masih kena ada kerja untuk dapatkan hasil. so takanlah nilai akhirat lagi rendah daripada dunia?

I see our society has been really living in deception, something unreal where you can share your idea and get followers, or you can get information based on what you want it to be and when you went through something that is opposed to your logic, you reject. perhaps, what did you read doesn't even exist and you believed it.



I have been really busy working, a lot of stories I keep it in my notebook, and my head. well, it has come the time I should be real, get outta the things I have been used to, and get real. I want to talk to people, share thoughts, smoke freely and get away from those who are unreal. I will do it slowly and steadily.

oh and I want to rebuild my skills at drawings, or taking pictures.

Jul 16, 2014

disiplin

memang betul kata orang, hidup ni penuh dengan dugaan dan cabaran. tapi sampai bila dugaan itu akan terus berirama dan cabaran itu harus kau hadapi secara terus menerus? sebenarnya dugaan dan cabaran takda lah sesukar mana, cuma kau je yang terperangkap dengan jaringan halus yang membuat diri kau rasa tak selesa.

hari demi hari manusia sibuk mencari penyelesaian kepada masalah dunia, terutama dalam bab agama. sebenarnya mudah je, baiki Iman yakin pada Allah ikut cara Nabi Muhammad saw. tapi biasalah macam yang gua cakap tadi jaringan jaringan halus yang membuatkan kau rasa tak selesa dengan jawapan yang dah tahu sebenarnya dan gua pun terperangkap sama.

cuma kena disiplinkan minda. kasi denda.

Jul 7, 2014

syukur

how many times have you come out, meeting the poor or anyone who less fortunate than us, and feel the pain of them?

manusia tak pernah puas. yes and how about people who never taste a small portion of satisfaction? you think life is too tough when you tried to move on after your heart has broken, or when you say you're damn hungry when you have bucks in your wallet, or when you you say you're tired of thinking what to wear when you have too many tops and bottoms to be put on? just be grateful for what ever you have, even it looks like it isn't enough.

boleh tu boleh, tapi tak perlu nak cerita satu dunia macam kau lah paling susah kat dunia ni.

Jul 4, 2014

tiada lagi

tiba tiba pagi ni gua terkenang nenek gua yang biasa orang kampung panggil Nek Milah. dulu masa kecik kecik gua suka lepak kampung, asal cuti sekolah je gua mintak ditinggalkan di kampung so agak agak cuti akhir tahun yang lebih kurang sebulan lebih tu mesti gua kat kampung.

dulu ada ayam, so bila bangun sahur dengar bunyi ayam, memang nostalgic sangat , good old days. lepas tu telur ayam kampung yang paling gua suka, comel. banyak sangat perihal gua kat kampung so gua rasa kena ada satu entri pasal kampung gua. masa gua kecik dulu memang kampung tu rumah papan lagi, sekarang dah batu dan perasaan ni pun turut mengeras macam batu, dah tak rasa kampung.


tak tahu lah pahal nenek gua baik dengan gua dulu, sampai gua jadi cepat cemburu, bila nenek gua macam peluk cium sepupu gua yang lain mula lah gua hentak kaki, zahirkan kecemburuan tu. haha tapi memanglah nenek sayang semua cucu dia. dulu gua tak kisah pun tinggal bertiga dengan nenek dan atuk gua, kadang kadang ada lah sepupu gua duduk Shah Alam tu, dia suka tinggal sekali. jadi kebanyakan masa kecil gua dihabiskan di kampung gua berkasih sayang dengan atuk dan nenek. sekarang tak hairanlah kenapa gua ni kekampungan sikit, hehe.

tapi atuk nenek gua dah lama takda.

Jul 2, 2014

2000


the biggest part in life is to grow up, adik. semoga yang keempat belas kali ini bukan lagi yang bukan bukan. learn how to struggle in life when you are at your worst. but I will try to be a good abang from now on, and spend more time with you. happy birthday.

tapi janganlah garang garang oke.

entahlah

"if someone gets angry on silly or small things, that means he needs love." - I don't know if it is a valid statement of psychologist, but it is happening to me.


I am a learning people, and I wonder too why some people do not take any lesson to what had happened to them, well if I am a psychologist, I'd simply say they are having a type B personality. because they don't really care what would happen, and less likely to over-thinking.  

I once care too much on someone who doesn't love me, well even now I am not sure but it is not working. I am not getting what I want but I get even worse than what I should be. that is not what is love supposed to be, isn't it? 

then I get angry easily. well I think it should be my past already. I am getting comfortable with what I have right now, I don't feel mad or in general I don't feel anything. is it a good thing or am I just loving?

still, I haven't found what is it.

cuma memori


I have once lost my memory card which contained lots of pictures and everything. but my teacher told me that brain is the best place where memory should lie forever.

gua lebih senang jika kenangan atau ingatan itu dipanggil memori. tapi yang seterusnya terletak pada kau nak mengolah maksud memori itu apa. 

pada gua, memori itu apa apa yang kau takan mampu alami sekali lagi dan tidak boleh disentuh oleh pancaindera lima, cuma boleh diingat dan dirasa. jadi jika ia pahit, kau akan zahirkan kepahitan itu dan jika sebaliknya kau akan zahirkannya juga. sama sahaja.

cuma yang pahit tu kau janganlah cuba cuba nak rasa lagi. 

Jun 29, 2014

ramadhan yang membara

everyone with their own perception, till words from famous people became famous and the scholars (who aren't famous) became silent. but I prefer the silent one, the greatest words that never make me down. 

when you feel nothing, it is like your heart has been empty. is there any chance that your heart is filled again? filled with love, not your so called love story with your girlfriend or boyfriend where you put your love on him or her more than your mom, but it is the love towards Allah and His Rasool. some people might say they love it, they wanted to spend time with the remembrance (zikr), and they tried to show off their passion. but in which way my dear brothers and sisters?


"Ikhlas tu payah, tapi kau kena istiqamah."

ada orang cakap cakap kosong. empty words that impressed people, because zahirnya memang cool. but does it matter? Allah knows what is in our heart. so tell me guys, if your faith isn't improving or you don't really have passion to do lots of doa and ibadat (supplications) during this ramadhan, how can you survive for the upcoming months.

sebab gua pun makin lama makin jauh dengan perasaan cinta akan-Nya.

I know it

you know what hurts? when same thing that happens over and over again.


yes, always the same thing that hurts you.

Jun 24, 2014

rasa yang tiada apa

ada kala kau bersedih kerana seseorang telah melukai hati kau, sebelumnya kau senantiasa ceria apabila dia bersama kau sehingga suatu masa dia pergi meninggalkan kau, atau kau yang pergi meninggalkan dia. dan kau rasa seperti mentari pagi tak bersinar seperti hari hari sebelum ni dan bintang bintang pun tak bersinar lagi bila malam menjelang dingin.

hidup ni masih dalam persoalan, pernah suatu masa lalu gua diberitahu jika hidup ini sudah ditentukan oleh-Nya, dan dia merahsiakannya kerana apa? kerana dunia ini tempat latihan untuk kau terus rasa dan berhenti untuk seketika, berfikir sebelum kau menerus rasa perjalanan kau yang lain. kerana semua itu rahsia, supaya kita semua senantiasa bersedia untuk yang sekelian kalinya.


jadi kau tak perlu persoalkan tentang apa apa yang terjadi, rasai semua perasaan itu sebelum kau kebas dengan pelbagai perasaan yang tiada rasa. rasai apa itu kesedihan dan teruskan dengan pelbagai perasaan yang akan turut menyertainya, biarkan ia sehingga suatu masa kau akan penat untuk merasai apa apa yang kau rasa, dan kau akan kembali merasai apa itu rasanya gembira. kerana gua selalu merasai apa apa yang kau rasa.

dan perasaan tu tiada apa pun sebenarnya.

Jun 18, 2014

kucing


sometimes I wonder, what do animals think. frankly speaking I love all type of animals except insects. well I did post about why I hate insects. so you can just click on the link and read it, it was years ago so don't judge my way of writing haha. well I did talk to animals quite often, I play cak cak with my cats, well of course they didn't respond but stare at their best then turn away, sad isn't it?

it is Nikita, named after the actress of Indonesia by mom, currently living with us and we called it Nikky for short. paling protective sampai tak boleh ada kucing lain datang. there were number of cats before. died because of accident, missing in action, and many tragic incident that happened to our previous cats. but obviously for one session we can't manage to pet more than one cat because they never seem to be friendly at all, biasalah kucing liar kan. tapi adalah juga lah cubaan membela dua tiga tapi tak lama, too much drama. 4 years and she is already old, gigi bawah pun takda. but gua sayang dia lebih daripada kucing sebelum ni because she is the only cat that would come laying on my chest every time I lay down. and that feeling when you sleep with cat on your chest, and wake up in a condition which is same as you went to sleep.

tapi biasanya dia bangun awal lagi dari gua.

Jun 17, 2014

ain't sweet anymore


you know, growing up is sort of messed up. everything seems to be so confused. is it confusing to you?

but you have to get through it anyway.

Jun 16, 2014

hati kontemporari

perasaan pada aku hanyalah sisa daripada apa apa yang kau tinggalkan untuk diri kau sendiri. cuma dalam situasi di mana kau mempunyai pelbagai perasaan dalam satu kotak yang aku namakan hati, dan dalam keadaan yang kelam kabut itu kau sebenarnya sedang memilih sisa sisa yang kononnya kau ambil untuk buat peneman hati. 

hati itu tempatnya memang untuk beremosi, dan pendorongnya adalah ilmu atau mungkin aku lebih suka dengan istilah pengalaman yang kau simpan di dalam dua hemisfera canggih yang aku namakan otak, dan pengalaman itu mana pernah pergi, serius takan pernah pergi. kesinambungan otak dan emosi itu asalnya seimbang, cuma kita sendiri yang memberati emosi dalam situasi yang aku cakapkan tadi. 

jadi sebenarnya tiada siapa yang pernah menjadi diri kau dan tiada siapa yang boleh menjadi diri aku, cuma mungkin kita boleh bertukar tukar cerita, tapi bukan secara yang boleh ditafsir oleh pancaindera. boleh je sebenarnya kita get over it, tapi yang beremosi tu kadang kadang entah kenapa susah sangat nak pergi.


"perasaan sedih akan disusuli dengan sesalan. dan penyesalan itu sangat jauh sebenarnya, dan hanya perasaan yang mampu membawa ia hampir kembali sehingga kau rasa seperti ia baru sahaja terjadi, sangat hampir dengan diri kau sendiri, sangat hampir sehingga kau tak nampak perasaan itu lagi. tapi ia masih ada lagi."

dan kau kata itu soal hati?

Jun 13, 2014

hati hati

semua orang ada busuk masing masing bukan? tapi kalau yang wangi wangi itu kau calitkan pada diri kau, siapa tahu bukan? kecuali kau ada kawan yang sentiasa bersama kau siang dan malam. mesti dia tahu. tapi kau yakin yang dia tahan dengan busuk kau? sementelah kau pula yakin yang kau mampu bertahan dengan busuk yang dia punya? jadi cuba kau fikir pada siapa yang perlu kau letakan kepercayaan kau, sebelum aku nasihatkan kau supaya letakan yang pertama itu pada Tuhan.

tapi kadang salah letak jugak.

Jun 10, 2014

more beats than speaks


I used to listen to many types of musics, from classical to electronic vibes. I play guitar, and I get bored. I try to be a Disc Jockey, try to spin and I get bored too. what a life. but I am not leaving those kind of instruments, yes I will never. 

well that was musics. I do listen to different type of songs too, but I am not into the 90's, well maybe some of it. I remember I was not choosy when it comes to musics in the early stage of my life, I was fine with all type of musics. 

over time, I started to love and overly fit with independent type of song. and those irama and rentak lagu were the best description in me. then, when the screamo type of songs made me more mental, grew some madness, well-wrapped inside my head before I realized there are such electronic dance musics that makes you jump and even more mad. their beats are never empty, full of life. it is the sickest musics in my entire life, and I think I would stay at this. these kind of musics are better to be played in a dark room with flashing lights, with addition of powder in your drinks. haha.

but I don't listen to musics that often.

Jun 9, 2014

pemberi harapan

harapan itu hakikatnya memang untuk diberi. tetapi kau mesti tahu, perlunya ada pemberi sebelum adanya penerima. walhal kau tahu harapan itu kadang memusnahkan dan ada juga yang merangsang, tetapi kau masih memberi dan terus memberi walaupun kau tak pasti apa tujuan kau memberi sebegitu luas harapan yang kau ada, sehingga akhirnya kau yang haus dengan harapan. kali ini aku tak mampu ceritakan semuanya dalam satu entri yang pendek ini, mungkin suatu hari nanti, sebab nyamuk dah banyak gigit ni.

tapi apapun, kau perlu sedar. walaupun kau rasa cara kau melayan itu tak seperti memberi harapan, pada masa yang sama kau kena ada rasa, rasa yang jikalau kau tak melayan, kau tak akan dilayan. dan kau juga punya pilihan untuk melayan apabila layanan itu disediakan pada masa kau sangat memerlukan layanan. kerana hati itu tempat teduhnya perasaan dan cendrung untuk menerima tanpa usul periksa, dan otak itu tempatnya jaringan kemungkinan yang membawa kepada keputusan yang terburu buru.


jika aku diberi peluang untuk mengenali seseorang, 
aku lebih suka untuk mengenal diri aku sendiri.

jadi berfikirlah melalui otak, sebelum kau salurkan ia melalui hati.

Jun 6, 2014

penangan sang rider

gua tahu risiko naik moto tu apa, jadi persiapan gua lebih rapi daripada gua bersiap bila nak jumpa makwe, walaupun gua takda makwe tapi untuk entri kali ni buat buat ada lah haha. apa apa pun rancangan gua nak balik sendiri dah selesai. seronok dia macam nak buat lagi, tapi sejak lepas mak gua tahu, bak kata kakak gua sampai mampus hidupbalik pun mak gua takan bagi haha. apa pun terima kasih kepada kawan kawan gua yang sokong idea gua, walaupun kena paksa.

mana taknya, 521 kilometer gila apa :p

May 31, 2014

sedikit buah buah kata

kalau aku bukukan minda aku,
di dalamnya pasti terselit beberapa tahap,
tahap di mana aku baru dilahirkan,
tahap di mana aku baru melihat dunia,
tahap di mana aku baru mengenal erti dosa pahala,
tahap di mana aku mula menanam benci tehadap manusia,
tahap di mana aku mula melangkah ke alam dewasa yang akhirnya,
aku di sini, menulis melukis dengan rasa bangga.


sebab nak bagi semua terasa. haha

May 29, 2014

you wish

I am the one
who cares what people say
who listens by looking
who lowers his gaze to listen
who understands by observing
who speaks with anger.

so I am sorry if you cannot be me
because you cares what is less important
who listens to all jokes and stories
who sees without thinking
who understand before observing
who speaks with me, brainless.


I do always realize that I have done wrong, and I hope you do so,
yet you consider yourself excellent in everything you barely know,
so I am sorry because you will never be me,
because now I understand that I have done wrong more than you do.

but I am still winning.

May 27, 2014

hati yang terseksa


atau hati yang penuh dengan luka kecil,
apabila ia terbuka, lalu ia bersuara,
yang gua belajar, luka akan sembuh,
jadi gua biar, tapi ia terus berdarah.

apacerita?

May 21, 2014

jika aku bebas

"sibuk gila semester ni." jika gua lemparkan pada orang yang di luar sana, pasti gua akan dicemuh dan dilabel sebagai tidak adil. kerana gua bukan daripada kursus kritikal yang jarang jarang manusia dimuka bumi ni dapat. jadi gua senyap.

sebenarnya kalau gua cerita, memang sibuk gua takda lah sesibuk manusia yang sibuk dengan dunia. mungkin dahulu gua bebas, masih mengekalkan keganasan dalam membina ayat ayat yang membunuh ramai pengintip yang berpura pura mengenal dunia. tapi gua kesal dengan kebebasan gua sebab selalunya gua akan emo sorang sorang sebab takda kawan.

but who cares right. it is better to have no friends than having friends who aren't understanding. well, there will be many perspectives arise from this. and there will be, kalau nak cakap depan depan lah tak perlu blog. yes, but you have to realize that you are too sensitive to be reprimanded.

jadi bila gua kenal bebas itu apa, gua yakin itulah diri gua. tapi sekarang gua perlukan jika untuk bebas. gua dah mula rasa diikat oleh dunia, yang didalamnya penuh dengan manusia manusia yang bajet pro. takpe, dulu gua pernah bajet pro jugak, sekarang mungkin gua kena rasa macam mana rasanya bila berhadapan dengan orang yang bajet pro. semua ada bahagian masing masing bukan? jadi gua rasa gua kena keluar jugak mengembara. cuma gua perlukan masa.

jadi kalau ada apa apa tegurlah gua. jangan risau, gua tak sesensitif lu. 

May 18, 2014

just a little argument with myself

sometimes I don't know whether I should be mad to someone who made me mad, or I am just mad to myself because I don't understand them. but what ever it is, being mad is not the best part in me.

walaupun gua rasa diri gua ni jahat. gua ada inisiatif nak jadi baik. itu je.

May 17, 2014

when I think about it

people do change other people, and they hate each other. if I'd have a chance to curse, I'd do to those those hearts that have been soaked with hatred and anger.

gua cuma jadi diri gua, diri gua yang lu tak perlu tahu dari mana asalnya. lu bajet tahu gua apa bila gua cerita pasal gua, tapi lu tahu ke apa yang gua cerita tu seratus peratus gua? lainlah kalau lu memang member yang boleh gua percaya.

jadi lebih baik lu jangan kata gua tu gua ni sebelum lu rasa kaki gua.

kikis kuku

bila kau rasa dosa itu biasa,
kau akan lupa apa itu pahala.

cuba kau kikis kuku kau lama lama. rasa apa?

May 16, 2014

kekal garang

when I thought people are right.
"be cool why so mad all the time?"

I do care.
till I tried to be sensible.
but what did I get is,
a colorful box, with nothing inside.

I should have been mad all the time.

May 8, 2014

umur terakhir digelar bujang

jika gua anggarkan berat bumi itu sebagai batu besar dan nilai keluarga sebagai bola,
pasti gua kata bola itu lebih berat dari batu besar.
tapi perasaan sebagai adik kepada kakak yang banyak membantu,
kakak yang sekarang ni mencapai umur yang terakhir digelar bujang,
inshaAllah,
bahagia gua, takan tergambar walaupun gua selfie diri gua bila tengah bahagia.


selamat hari jadi kakak :)

Mar 8, 2014

senangnya bersangka baik

dalam dunia ni apa apa yang kita lakukan semua kembali kepada apa apa yang kita lakukan. maksudnya apa yang gua buat tu sebenarnya perlakuan gua dengan Tuhan. tak faham? OK gua bagi contoh, kalau gua buat jahat dengan lu, maksudnya gua buat jahat juga dengan Tuhan. Tuhan gua judge gua walaupun secara zahirnya gua bukan berurusan dengan Dia.


tapi yang lebih serabut sekali, apabila gua buat baik dengan lu, tapi hati gua ada unsur jahat terhadap lu. peh, ini dalam bro. lu kena faham ni betul betul. gua bagi contoh yang lebih ekstrim lagi, kalau gua buat baik dengan lu, dalam hati lu bising puji pasal kebaikan gua, padahal dalam hati gua diam diam dia ada prasangka buruk, jadi gua masih berdosa dengan Tuhan. tahap ekstrim contoh ni baru mencapai tahap cukup cukup makan. belum lagi masuk bab interaksi di laman sesawang dan sebagainya. jangan keliru dengan talam dua muka! ini soal lintasan hati, perasaan dan pandangan kau yang datangnya daripada syaiton.

tapi walauapa pun tambahbaik diri dengan apa apa yang kita rasa baik di sisi Tuhan.

gua slow slow ingat balik apa yang gua lupa tentang diri gua, yang pasti memberi manfaat semula pada diri gua bila bosan bosan gua scroll balik blog gua, sekurang kurangnya ada benda yang bermanfaat yang gua boleh ambil atau mungkin bermanfaat untuk pembaca.

Cis, bajet macam ada orang baca!

Feb 25, 2014

eleh

you expect to win when you don't train hard?

you expect to success when you don't learn smart?

you expect to have a good personality when you ignore advices?

wtf?

Feb 22, 2014

mesjid dan tudung

biasanya gua kat rumah pergi ke mesjid bersama bapa gua yang lagi beberapa tahun lagi nak pencen. maklumlah orang dah mula berumur ni kenalah mula berkawan dengan karpet mesjid. dalam perjalanan ke mesjid, gua usha lah awek tepi tepi jalan, ayah gua biasalah khusyuk memandu. kadang kadang tu laju juga walaupun selekoh yang pada gua yang pro memandu ni pun rasa berdebor, tapi ayah gua watlek je kona. tapi gua bukannya mata ke ranjang ke apa, cuma gua rasa kadang kadang gua dah macam kat oversea, cuma bezanya bukan negara orang kulit putih.

bila gua dah berjaya menempah tempat di menara gading ni, ditambah pula bersebelahan dengan institusi yang boleh dikatakan islamik, setiap kali gua ke mesjid, rutin yang biasa gua buat kat rumah tu gua letak tepi sebab kena belajar rendahkan pandangan gua yang kadang kadang nakal juga sebenarnya. kalau kat sini, sekali gua kerling, jarang yang tak menambat hati. wow, bahaya.

jadi tadi gua balik seperti biasa dari mesjid, tiba tiba ada tiga gadis bertudung corak flora melintasi bahagian pintu utama jemaah lelaki keluar masuk mesjid. niat hati nak usha lama, tapi gua cakap NO. bila gua dah naik moto, gua park baik punya sebelum start. gua pandang cermin sisi. wow, bahaya.

sebab gua pantang gadis bertudung corak flora. haha

Feb 19, 2014

pesen macam tu

semester baru gua tampil dengan sedikit unsur kelelakian yang jarang orang biasa berani tampilkan. tapi gua buat rilek biar nampak brader walaupun ramai yang pantang tengok bila gua jadi lelaki sikit. tapi pada masa yang sama gua pun rasa pelik bila gua bela bulu yang sebelum ni gua kasi sama rata dengan kulit sawo matang gua.


rasa bila gua tarik hembus nafas, dia pun ikut sama. macam lalang, angin ke kiri, dia ke kiri, angin ke kanan, dia ke kanan.

memang pesen dia macam tu agaknya. entah.

Feb 13, 2014

next semester


belajar rajin rajin. asyik nak menurun je sampai bila.

Feb 11, 2014

feelings final part

yang terakhir ini istimewa buat diri aku sendiri, bahang yang kadang kadang kita keluhkan, sebenarnya kita yang minta. kalau kau sendiri yang kurung diri kau dalam keadaan yang sebegitu?


jadi, rasa bersyukur dengan apa yang menyenangkan. dan takut dengan apa yang tidak menyenangkan. kerana apa, kerana mungkin ia satu teguran daripada Tuhan dan mungkin ia satu ujian.

laayukallifullahu nafsan illa wus'aha.

feelings part 5

everybody has their own definition of Love. for me, my passion would be always something like a starter if you like, or a turning point after you have been searching and retreating so many times. when you have conquered your love, that is nothing attractive than being with something or somebody you love, forever.


and my aim is to achieve His love.

Feb 10, 2014

feelings part 4

sure feeling good has broad definition as well. there are few things in my life that would definitely make me feel good.

you know how does 'hurt' feel don't you? and when it is gone, sure it made we feel good. yes, definitely recovery makes me feel good.

good news. y'know better.

finally, good music will forever make me feel good, and dancing. club dancing, what ever you call it but it feels good though. I just love being with anyone who doesn't care how worst our dance is, we still dance and laugh (I got few people who can be my forever partner in dancing).

so anyone?

family surely does. but it is not in this kind of feelings. 

Feb 9, 2014

feelings part 3

everyone wants to feel alive with new refreshment after a moment of roughness and toughness. we want to gain new spirits, anything that would make us courageous, any at all. rejecting all the memories that brought you down, sometimes isn't helpful to feel alive. perhaps, a backbone or a basis of your further steps in life.

science does bring us to a level where every myths we know are nonsense, yes everything including beliefs and traditions that once were the most powerful medium to build up empires and human moral. and the lack of knowledge has brought you to a brand new belief, atheism.

what is your purpose of life I asked to one of these atheists, which they claim that they are free thinker. they say there is no such thing in life, a purpose. everybody can set out their life by choosing any of way they want. I wasn't so surprised as if their knowledge has been limited to the logical facts and theories in science.

how could anybody be brave to guide themselves, without following any of the religions. and if they could, they wouldn't run away from those that had been implemented in religions thousand years ago. in other words, they would return to religions eventually. you know I feel pity of atheists, most of them came from religious background. and this new belief rejects any deities.


we can refresh, and feel alive by strengthen our faith. consult any scholars who are expert in any of your wonders, and always questioning yourself while looking at the beautiful arrangement of creations. perhaps, Allah guides those hearts, and He knows best.

There is actually no god, except Allah The Almighty.

Feb 8, 2014

feelings part 2

a happy person isn't always a talkative person, friendly or easy-going I define. they can be quiet, unfriendly and difficult (to approach) person. but here the quality I'd talk about is happy.

happiness is where you find peace, everything you see would be taken into positive accounts until somebody would really spoil your feelings by telling you the truth. but for me, happiness is where you stop of being sad. everyone will die. that would make sense when you know something sad is gonna happen, and you are saddened by that.  because we are always sad, even life would be tough or easy.


the true believers are always happy because they understand what their life means. well doesn't mean they can't be sad, yes indeed they are when they have done wrong but eventually they'd turn to Allah, and seek for His forgiveness.

May Allah guide us. 

Feb 7, 2014

feelings part 1

I know many of us try to get rid of certain feelings that linger in our head. we tried so hard and at the middle of the road, you feel like giving up. I'd like to reminisce about people who I really appreciate for their existence in my life, by part.

so I remember for the first time I met Z, who was my teacher, I really hated him. everything he said or did, I found something wrong with it, I felt uncomfortable. since I wasn't in his class for a year, so I didn't really know him much but I heard most of the people really found him a funny and an easy-going teacher. by the next year, ensuing my study, I have a whole year class with him in chemistry. I thought my hatred had to be getting worst towards him, until I realized that his way of teaching and character has something to do with my starting point of seeing things differently.

the open-minded person often a good person. they have a very weird kind of approach, as they respect and listen to every perspectives of people. they don't condemn but if they do, perhaps they don't take it seriously. when they sad, they would probably turned to something that they think would soothe them.

"my blog, my opinion"

why



I am a person who like to avoid from meeting people as much as I can. I'd be running away if for example I am about to bump into my parents' friend or anyone, if you like.

when I don't run away from meeting you by chance, you would be my truly friend of mine :)

Feb 6, 2014

rise and fall

I don't really believe that life has its rise and fall. it is like you are saying that there must be something bad will happen after you are having something good.

I understand where some people have different perspectives and their principles of life and that makes you different from other people. however, sometimes we have too many things that we forget before our perspectives wrapped our mind so the following principles you made, making you hard to accept what have people told you. or maybe we are not taking any precautions to think further about what we have heard.

you can always believe in what you believe, but believe me, not all of the things you believe leads you a better life, as if some of you mind being brainwashed since where you start to believe on those things. I am not trying to change anything because I know I can't, and if I do, that would not make any differences.


I have posted an entry about miracles, and I know those were signs that God wants me to believe in Him. the latter thrives my heart and I have been strong enough, to face the world. be careful of what you have believed because I once too believed in things that lead me to atheism. 

may Allah guide us and protect us from those thoughts. 

Feb 5, 2014

melintas

you're such a coward to face future,
you can create yours but you're afraid if you fail,
but you know you will not fail though,
but things will be different,
perhaps you're afraid of those differences,
and you're not ready hence, you do a lot of thinking,
when you know one day you're ready,
probably they might stay away,
or even turning their faces away,
and you might be losing so many memories,
and yet your prayers will be following them.


when you have too many failures in life and you want to change,
the answer is always 'I am afraid of losing so many friends',
because I have lost so many friends, unnoticed.

Feb 2, 2014

belum mampu

belum mampu untuk mandi lagi. setiap kali aku rasa macam nak mandi, setiap kali mengecewakan. takpa lain kali ada lagi tapi kena tunggu angin kuat ni reda dulu baru aku datang lagi mandi. 


kali ini lebih berani. 

Feb 1, 2014

mimpi

jangan letakan harapan pada mainan, 
apabila kau sedar adanya Tuhan.

bersumpahlah dengan nama Tuhan.

Jan 30, 2014

the only miracle

there were quite a number of times, that good things come into my life. regardless the bad luck happened to me and I don't say that it didn't affect my life while it apparently does. 

I survived in many ways, though I survived from terribly emotional pain, from a so-called love in the early child and some unspoken things, because I don't really talk much in the past; my friends made me realize about my anti-social stuff so I tried to make those thing invisible.

I don't know I have so much time thinking, mostly when I didn't talk, but I am not a reader, I didn't read much. so when things failed, I listed out my uneasy stuff in me, and tried to make them invisible. yes, I still have those but I made them invisible. 


but ever since I tried to deny what critiques came, I figured out there is more important things that I need to do, rather than trying to hide something from everyone. To believe in miracles.

because miracles are beyond our minds. and it happened to me, many times.

Jan 29, 2014

hilang dan hadir

dalam banyak persoalan dalam hidup kita,
cuba hilangkan semuanya,
dan hadirkan apa yang tiada.

sesungguhnya Allah lebih mengetahui apa yang kita rasa.

Jan 24, 2014

pulang

suasana memang kerap membaham kesinambungan emosi aku, bila masa aku gembira mula dia merubah rasa. perasaan tu sebenarnya cuma rasa, yang pelbagai jika disenaraikan. dan salah satunya impian, kau buat sesuatu yang kau rasa produktif hanya kerana pandangan masa hadapan, atau impian. tapi sedar atau tidak, aku pulang dengan rasa yang lebih besar, lebih teguh dari sebelumnya. yang kau takan pernah bayangkan selamanya.

kecuali kau sedia mengenali indahnya agama.