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a twist

    

imagine you are in the room, alone. when you could barely hear the clock ticking, the wind blowing up the curtains, sometimes a bit strong and it hits the wall. and you are just sitting on a chair. you had a wife, but your beard has too much time too grow without her. your chin has permanent wrinkles. you have money, enough for your daily meals and weekly shopping. you have no debt left to pay, your friends are just like you, too tired to go outside and meeting friends.

the leaves that fell in front of your house has been decayed, too crispy for the sun to burn. and you think you have achieved your life. what if one day, you can't be able to love anymore, to laugh together with one you love, you have no one left to talk to. and you feel like going far away but your strength wouldn't allow you to. and you think your God let you be in those situation and hope for your soul to get taken out fast. 

now you are trying to create a bond with the Almighty, knee down to seek His blessings. yet you found it not amusing, and not attractive. and you wake up and sit on your chair, and stare again.

because your daily life is what you find it entertaining and joyful. and you will never find the blessing, when you wasted your teen years, enjoying. 

but for me thoughts can separate you and other people even you are with them.

presentasi

    
semester yang penuh dengan presentasi presentasi secara saintifik,
kalau kau rasa tertekan, bimbang dengan tohmahan yang akan diberikan kelak, 
sepenuhnya kau akan rasa perkara ini berguna untuk masa masa yang akan datang,
untuk masa masa kau sendiri ketika semua dah ada laluan smasing masing,

tapi sebenarnya apa yang kita cari dalam dunia ni? Good deeds
aku mudah tertekan dengan semua perkara, 
tapi sepatutnya aku salurkan ia ke arah yang lebih baik dan bimbang jika kita semua,
gagal dalam mencapai hak yang sepatutnya kita tunaikan.


tapi janganlah bimbang itu melebihi kebimbangan yang sepatutnya kita bimbangkan,
presentasi amal kita pada Tuhan kelak yang sepatutnya kita hirau dan bimbangkan,
kerana dunia yang kita lihat tidaklah sesusah mana, jika dibandingkan dengan susahnya laluan ke Syurga.

kerana aku masih lagi belum buat apa apa untuk ke Syurga.

birthday

    
you can't count leaves that fall throughout years,
if you want to, there would be a statistical estimation,
not exact number of leaves you would find.
but you can't prove by statistical estimation,
of a countless number of love,
from me towards you.


happy birthday, sister.

nak cerita

    
buang rasa bangga, faham siapa dia.

baru cerita.

support

    
you know once I was thinking of consulting Doctor for my mental problem. but I don't know whether it is compulsory or needed. but slowly I think I don't need to. but things get serious when I am alone, the voices are everywhere.

"kau kena berkawan arip." one of my best friend. so I did try and thought there would be some support and understanding. but it never happened.



because people won't understand your situation you were once. they want you to understand them.

biarkan

    
mewahnya berpaksikan budi menilai bahasa,
mewahnya dikerumuni yang lebih daripada yang tiada,
mewahnya rasa bangga yang ada dalam hati.
mewahnya rasa tak tahu kau dalam menilai sendiri.

kau biarkan hati kau mati.

retak

    

I was asked "what is the hukum(jurisprudence) of wearing Niqab(veil that cover half of the face)?"

I couldn't easily say a firm answer from that, because I am not an expert. 

it is not about the hukum itself, I am not going to give a Dalil(supportive materials from hadith and Quran) but if you really want to do so, look up to books Tuhfatul Muhtaj written by Imam Ar Ramly or Mughni Al Muhtaj written by Al Khatib As Syarbini.

what we will do, when we love a person or a group of people who are really kind, faithful, honest, approachable and modest in many ways? what if a movie, with classic and old lifestyle, wearing robes, cloak, hats and a very messy hairs and beards all the way through the story, for example The Hobbit, or Harry Potter and you feel like turning back into their times, where horses are their cars, swords or bows are their guns and travelling and fighting are their abilities?

if you do, there it is, it is about the lust of going back to the old times. I have heard stories from experts in Islamic history, the way of living, attires and their responsibilities to each of the person in life. and I keen to know, sometimes, when judging and stereotyping are not really their concern(for certain extend perhaps few people did during those time), and how do they live their life? 

by now, when we are depressed we got dumped; as much as we talk about young love,
when we listen to the music and get obsessed to certain artists; as much as we try to look like 'em,
when we are eager and desperate to get the title, or being a ruler, or to be famous,
when we think loving creations are more important than loving the only Creator, 
there are,
people out there who wants this era we're living, diminish and replaced by those I was talking about.

so back to the question that I was asked about, you have to know, we're living at the edge of the age of world with those human rights where you can't easily judge people or discriminate certain group or gender, when your life has been arranged according to your ability and title that you hold. so be firm in what ever you do in following the right one, I love you, whoever you are, or whatever your background is, and I really want you to get what is the best for you. perhaps I don't have those bravery to do those right things because I wasn't once a good guy, but one day I will inshaAllah.

and maybe you feel like you're making things right, by being religious in all matter, but be honest and do it completely, you can't be like cutting off others head with a very extreme advice, then you're making fool of it by doing the same, not literally.

kerana gua hina, gua takan mampu berubah sekelip mata.

satu nafas untuk terus bernyawa

    
gua rasa dua tiga minggu gua rasa tak bersemangat langsung. sampai duduk depan laptop buka file close file. gua cuba selidik masalah ni, rasa gua manusia manusia yang ada semester sedikit lah memberi impak kat gua tapi gua tak rasa yang semua ni dari punca yang sama. gua rasa simptom marah yang berpanjangan ni dah mula merebak sampai gua pun tak mampu nak tahan.

jadi gua perhati dua tiga hari ni apa masalahnya, gua jumpa ni. memang punca semua benda ni dari sini, so gua pun lari bersembunyi dari realiti cuba selesaikan masalah ni. dan Alhamdulillah, gua dah sedar apa masalah gua selama ni. eh sekejap, maaf memang gua tak update benda tu kat sini sebab gua ada privasi.

jadi gua nak mohon jangan makan hati dengan gua, gua mintak maaf dua tiga minggu sebelum ni gua pun ada masalah gua yang gua sendiri pun tak tahu nak cakap macam mana tahap dewa punya masalah tu, and those things need to be considered dalam hal ni, sebab kalau gua memang suka kongsikan rasa gua melalui simptom marah yang berpanjangan tu kena tempias tu biasa lah. biasa simptom gua marah berkala tapi entah lah.

jadi kadang kadang gua rasa yang satu ni perlu dididik dengan sepenuhnya, bagi makan nasi, dan gua pasti dia akan kembali macam biasa. cuma ambil masa. cuma ambil masa untuk bernafas kembali untuk terus bernyawa.


yang itu ini gua cerita tu hati.

keterangan lelaki wanita

    
lelaki atau wanita,
atau kedua-duanya?

kau rasa semua benda perlukan penghargaan,
kau perlukan penjelasan yang jelas dalam setiap pergerakan,
kau harapkan kawan semua perlu lakukan apa yang kau harapkan,
bila tak selalu kau punya perkara itu maka mula kau terlebih perasaan,

tapi ada perkara yang bukannya pengharapan yang kau harapkan,
kau cuma perlu menerima kekalahan bila kau harapkan kemenangan.

timbulnya masalah kau ni kan,
terlalu daif dalam menyimpan harapan,
ceritakan setiap satu apa yang kau lakukan,
mencari perhatian melalui rasa yang kau kesalkan,
kepada semua manusia melalui semua saluran,
padahal ada benda yang kau perlu untuk ceritakan,
ada yang bukan untuk pameran,
dan ada yang untuk tetamu jemputan.

tapi,
kau masih mengejar kisah kau lagi,
yang kau ceritakan kepada aku beberapa kali,
yang kau memintas perbualan aku yang kesekian kali,
yang kau selalu membanggakan tentang kau dan kau lagi,
tanpa kau fahami apa yang aku nak isi awal kali ini,
kemudian kau kata kau memahami,
what is this?

tak perlu aku rasa kau nak mengadu,
terima apa orang kata buruk kau dahulu,
selepas kau perlahan-lahan bangun bukan melulu,
dan perlahan-lahan nak kata kau tu bagus ini dan itu.

maaf tapi aku rasa,
selepas semuanya,
aku himpunkan kertas kerja,
dapatan aku sebenarnya,
kau tiada apa.

cuma kau berbaju lelaki wanita.

cukup tua

    
18 Oktober 2013 Huraian asli belas belas yang diberi Entah rasa lapar masih ada lagi Walhal takda apa datang atau pergi Punya satu cerita dahulu tak semua Yang aku rasa bahagia, kau punya Tak semua kau punya, aku bahagia Semua nampak sempurna pada awalnya Melangkah pergi dari belas belas yang kini Rasa seperti dua hari aku letakkan kaki Untuk berdiri dan kini terpaksa kembali pergi Maaf kali ini tahun emosi, Tuhan tahu ini Yang aku tak mampu berdiri lagi atas kaki Punya hati yang tumbang untuk kesekian kali Ah, Tuhan bagi kawan yang menghargai Apa aku peduli lagi, tinggal nak hargai Cukup tua, belum lagi berbini. Salam kedua puluh tahun ini.

tetapi

    
aku memang banyak buruknya.
kata itu ini pada siapa aku suka.

tetapi aku tak bodoh untuk memperbaiki buruk yang aku punya.

memaksa

    
aku tak suka dipaksa.

tetapi aku kena sedar kadang kadang aku juga memaksa.

because I don't think I deserve

    
I hate.
but I cannot say what is it.

I am not against to greet by wishing salaam (peace),
because I don't think I deserve.

I know people will be like, Allah will accept your repentance bro,
but I will never accept what I have done, in my life.

because what ever good deeds I do,
I always feel dirty, and questioning to myself who am I to do good deeds.
I don't think I deserve.

but one day (which Allah knows better) if I will ever change to be bad again,
and then I would think I don't deserve to do sin anymore.

because when you're in doubt, in love, and heartbroken.
the answer is always to think, what you think you deserve.

mungkin itu lebih baik

    
kalau kau cenderung ke kiri, kau akan ke kiri.
kalau kau cenderung ke kanan, kau akan ke kanan.

jadi aku yang lebih rela di tengah, bersama sekumpulan yang kecil,
memerhatikan mereka semakin jauh dari kami, dan kami ketawa.
dan menangis.

she was once a stranger

    
a short story about a very credible woman, who loves to participate in volunteer program.

after SPM I wanted to further my study in Canada, but my application wasn't accepted, so then I started to do a lot of thinking, all the feelings mixed up together made me feel down and by then I started to stand and start over. 

the story begins when I asked my sister to introduce me any of her friends on facebook who is currently studying in Canada. she introduce me to Sarah, so I started to get to know her, and this was so wrong, she wasn't in Canada, but Ireland, studying I don't know what is it called, but it was like more to medical stuffs. my sister was so miserable, and I will be giving her a face palm everyday. Sarah is so friendly and fit to anyone, as I have never met her, I couldn't say more than what I have been reading on her blog or her facebook statuses. so I hope this weird-relationship will never end. thank you for willing to know me. and Happy Birthday to Sarah Salleh.

ini basi

    
kenapa kita mengharapkan sesuatu yang boleh memuaskan diri kita? kerana kepuasan itu datangnya dari apa yang kita fikirkan. aku ada dua yang sering mengganggu perjalanan hidup aku. hidup yang aku rasa lebih baik asalnya aku pegang dengan kata kata engkau yang boleh membangkitkan semangat aku. tapi, kesedaran itu lebih tinggi nilainya, untuk aku teruskan perjalanan ni.

aku akan terus tertipu dengan engkau, kerana engkau masih memegang sesuatu yang aku punya. dan itu hanya akan aku singkap, setelah engkau sedar. atau engkau takan sedaar tentang itu. jadi, aku tak tahu apa yang engkau nak, dan kenapa engkau pendamkan semuanya, jadi aku mainkan lagi kata kata yang kau dodoikan pada akhir pertemuan aku dan engkau. dan aku sudah penat dengan kemahuan aku dan penipuan engkau. ya Allah, aku masih mahu kembali semula ke selekoh, pertemuan antara tangis dan dosa, dan tinggalkan manisnya dosa.

silap aku selama ni, silap aku. maafkan aku ya Allah.

Salam Eidul Fitr

    
ada rasa rindu, ada rasa cinta. jangan cuma bersemangat di siang hari, kerana semangat akan layu pada malamnya. cuba percaya yakin, kerana percaya yakin tiada akhirnya.

kadang rasa indah tetapi yang lagi indah apabila kita tahu apa disebalik keindahan-Nya.
 
maaf zahir dan batin.

yang gagal menikmati

    
aku adalah sunyi, yang mencari identiti diri,
dalam sunyi aku menyendiri, menyapa sepi.

mungkin satu hari, yang nampak sunyi,
bukan lagi sesuatu yang rugi, masih berdiri.

apabila selesai adil mengadili, itu pasti,
ke Syurga yang suci, atau lembah yang ngeri.

perjalanan sang pemerhati di Ramadhan kini hampir berakhir,
dan masih lagi sunyi.

mencapai kesempurnaan

    
dalam masa yang terdekat ni, gua kena biasakan dengan budaya. bila gua dah biasa, hilang rasa benci pada semua, bila rasa benci tu hilang, gua akan tenang dan bebas daripada imaginasi yang entah apa apa.

musuh utama gua sebenarnya diri gua sendiri. diri gua yang selalu melayang ke dimensi lain yang pada akhirnya, gua mamah diri gua sendiri. dan dalam keadaan ni, barulah gua sendiri akan tertipu dengan godaan yang lain. kali ini, bahan yang gua cari semakin hari semakin jelas di mata gua, dan gua akan selalu berharap pada Dia.

kali ini entri gua semakin kurang bermotivasi, kerana dosa.

conversation

    
I am not a talking people and I am not good at keeping conversation going too. I could feel some people slowly disappeared as I didn't fit well with them. so I tried to be different, to talk more than I ever did in my life. yes it went well at first, but I looked fool in the end. then I went away, kept my distance and mourned all over my soul left. I knew I shouldn't be anybody else but myself. to be alone in your own world is sometimes a torture. you will question everything and almost anything that comes up in your head as if your imagination continues to grow and you fell down and hurt. when you realize it isn't real, you will be okay. and you will have to know, that what ever you feel, someone will help you go thru this. in the end, all you have to do is to thank them.

things I picture in my head, is sometimes mental.

kecilnya kau rasa

    
sometimes, I feel like world has its own way to express the situation. and sometimes, I can predict how and what will happen if something is in place. with all these expression of the world, which any prediction matches up to it, and I wonder why should I be sad or angry. because I can only rely on hopes, that loosely hold.

now I have got to know that there is something better than hope. something that I don't know but it is beautiful and I should not be waiting anymore. because one day, the hope itself will come and ask to have a little bit time to spend with. and something beautiful will appear, with guilty.


aku baru sedar sekarang dunia harapan yang selama ni tempat gua bermain, cuma mainan awan dan pelangi.

favorite food

    

well I'm not that choosy when it comes to food. beside the food that is forbidden(haraam), I eat almost anything and I would like to try everything. I don't have special favorite food but in general I can say I would like it to be spicy but that doesn't make all the spicy food listed in my favorite food, it is just if there is a choice.

but I never had a chance to try exotic food. like ulat sagu ke, belalang goreng ke. hehe. one day perhaps.

dulu gua makan kapur black board, minum air suling dalam makmal, apa benda entah.

dan sebelum raya

    

sebelum meningkat tinggi, perlu berhati hati,
tentang dua perkara ini, menghindari dan mencari.

yang perlu dicari, jangan dihindari.
yang perlu dihindari, tak perlu dicari.

kerana mencari, itu tugas semua sekali,
tetapi menghindari, tugas anda sendiri.

jadi semua itu jangan dihakimi.

oldies

    

back when musics were our hearts, and our singing was a heartbeat!

no matter how it is, we are absolutely getting older everyday. p/s : tu pakcik gua.

Praises

    
All praises be to Allah. I just got survived from a package of fever, flu and cough. feeling better.

gagal lagi

    
  

setiap kali gua nak buat cover song, mesti dalam video gua cover macho lebih dari cover song. lepas dengar balik gua tak jadi nak publish cover song gua. sampai bila gua nak jadi macam ni entah. ha gelakkan gua.

semalam hari jadi kawan gua, kebetulan nama sama cuma dia ada lebihan nama entah kenapa nak banyak sangat nama gua pun hairan.

apapun gua sampaikan salam ulangtahun kelahiran lu kat blog gua. bermakna?

an extension (cont.)

    

"if it is all a lie, the truth not far behind."

a proper advise to some extremist out there. we can say anything serious, to be serious in anything doesn't matter. but to understand the situation does matter, it should be at your first consideration before anything. you have what you want, even though it isn't complete. but what you need to continue the lying? or to fight for the truth? have you ever been in everybody's situation?

when I read my previous entry, I would picture this,

"sometimes, I can over think because it is limitless. when situation happens, my mind would continue playing and if it isn't satisfied, I do repeat the same situation again, and create a better one. but it will never satisfy me. "

I can't stay in a truth, because of architecture of my life. but one day when everything has already complete, everything that is in my imagination, which is satisfying me, I will definitely, disappear and live in a very truth.

the strongest part of the wall, is being constructed, love.

an extension

    
didn't sleep and straight took my sahoor.

and a sudden think,

till when should I live in a lie,

as if I can't even be staying in a truth.

ask yourself why.

apa kebenda

    
bukan nak cakap salah syaitan kalau gua marah, memang gua ni pemarah. dengan sebab, ataupun dengan sebab yang sebaliknya gua salah, tapi takpe lah suka hati gua ah nak marah. dan gua tak pernah marah takda sebab.

dan kadang kadang, atau kebiasaannya, gua marah diri gua sendiri, but when it comes to 'meeting people' so yeah padan muka kena sekali. bulan puasa ni nak marah government ah. gua sabar je call, tak answer. buat kerja ke mengulo entah gua pun tak tahu, bukannya kena conduct spacecraft, launching satellite, observing traffic ke apa.

kalau gua just call empat lima hari gua tak cerita kat sini.

Ramadhan 2013

    
I may not be a perfect Muslim. I don't even try to be better. I failed to manage myself, even at the worst part I have been through and I can't see the light of hope I could get out of here. so, can ask you guys a favor anytime during this Ramadhan, can you make a Dua for this boy? say his name in your prayers muhammad 'arif, as if only once you could say my name, only once.

May Allah reward you the best honor. your names are always in mine.

cemburu gila gua

    

apa pun terima kasih pernah bagi gua rasa apa itu cinta

gua memang perasan. tapi gua real.

must win

    
you need no weapon to fight,
you must win without touching,
or you must lose as it is a decisive.

we choose to come out with new,
but when we failed, we argue,
to only find which one is true,
and you can carve your name on a statue,
so then loser gets the trophy of failure.

we feel the winning of standing,
but we don't realize something,
we have bought the pride of ecstasy,
if we counter, we win the entire majesty.

if you read, there will be two.
famous and jealousy.
but for me, I love mystery. 

together make it love.

hope the least

    
got a message from Masliah, asking about the first year faculty orientation day proposal. it is easy. I will make it done within the fortnight. so kena jadi kuat supaya cepat siap. sama sama cinta.

update blog sambil makan white chocolate.

bosan

    
sebenarnya,
malas nak baca 'The Holy Quran'
malas nak tambah solat solat sunat
malas nak zikir pagi petang zikir taubat

bukan bosan sebenarnya.

mula mula

    
actually, if you go easy on me, I will be really appreciative. because I was born to have those obsession towards something. if I told you I talked to my toys when I was small (gila haha).

I really love to share, like seriously. not by posting it in blog, which in certain extent I do, but to have a conversation. maybe some people don't feel comfortable to have such a conversation with me, in this case I would say this conversation is more to sharing without being judgmental, and some people just fit and make me feel comfortable.

I don't know how and when exactly I made friends with this creature. but at first glance, I don't think I can make friends with someone who is quiet (because I am quiet too and that would not make any sense to be friends), who doesn't socially present and already in relationship. when I heard one of my friends says "dia bukan macam tu sebenarnya dulu sama je gila, sebab room mate dia macam tu." so I was like, this little fella is having the same situation and maybe she will understand. so I texted her, lightly.

Ohmaigad, we shared things in common, lol. it is not about omaigad I fall for her and let's make out. that is so wrong. I always respect her relationship, as if I don't really like to have those kind of relationship by now. so please. she can be from a funny, to a total plain boring creatures. haha. maybe people don't realize or she underestimates herself, that she is a good listener and a dreamer. pure little fella wants her world become real, and she does, but not totally.

but basically I share things and she understands. that is how I like it flows. I share problems, and way she counters make it better. it is not about to exactly find the answer of all the problems, but to have a different view of looking at it. I know I can't get out from my vague life, because of things I left, is currently haunting me. but at least I know, she knows, that something has to be shared, as it is relieving or maybe it is a new perspective to feel better in another way.

please don't let this fellowship fall by any unreliable matter.

hey entri ini juga berunsur paksa, tapi tahap kedua.

cerita sementara

    
so semenjak dua ni gua banyak tidur, sebenarnya gua paling benci tidur petang. masa gua kecik kecik dulu gua selalu tinggal kampung masa tu rumah nenek gua kayu lagi ada beranda bagai dan rumah tu memang paling banyak ah kenangan gua masa kecik. gua memang lasak, tapi tak banyak cakap. oh maaf kali ni gua bukan nak cerita zaman kanak kanak gua (well maybe one day I will post those entry).

biasanya gua akan describe satu satu kawan yang gua sayang. even if they don't sayang gua, tapi at least gua appreciate diorang but eversince tak pernah lagi ah kawan yang gua describe kat blog gua ni tinggalkan gua cuma ada dua tiga cerita yang gua tak tahu apa puncanya, gua hilang mereka. tapi kali ni lain sikit mungkin sebab ada yang baru nak membesar, baru reti membaca, baru nak bla bla, jadi gua rasa macam takda selera nak buat entri pasal diorang. tapi gua tahu satu hari nanti gua akan cerita pasal diorang pada pembaca sekalian (ceh macam ada orang baca, gila). 

bukan yang mana mana

    
biasanya kawan itu aku anggap sebagai pelukis dongeng dan juga novelis dalam dunia dia. aku ambil inspirasi "dunia aku dan kau itu tidak pernah sama, jadi tiada istilah dunia kita.". aku tangguhkan dahulu maksud yang berkaitan tentang dunia cinta. cuma entri selepas ini lebih kepada cerita cerita biasa.

jadi kali ni, aku diserbu dengan inkuiri bebas dari dunia realiti.
dan jika engkau sedar entri kali ini cuma berunsur paksa, tahap pertama.

bahagia

    
bahagia itu bebas, lalu yang mendorongnya ialah cinta.
kecapi bahagia itu indah, tapi tak semuanya perlu sama.
kerna setiap apa yang aku dan engkau rasa, takan pernah sempurna.
bosannya kalau apa yang aku dan engkau ada, tapi belum bahagia.
kenapa contohnya cinta? supaya sakitnya nanti rasanya sama rata.

jika engkau beri segalanya, atas alasan bahagia.
ungkapkan "simpan sedikit bahagia untuk hatimu."
kerna selayaknya hatimu itu yang perlu bahagia, juga.
selama umur engkau selama mana engkau bahagia.
kerna bahagia itu sukar untuk dipaksa.


jika kau kongsikan segalanya, atas alasan bahagia. 
aku takut nanti suatu masa, kau sudah tiada apa.
untuk rasa bahagia.

aku cuba samakan situasi ini, untuk entri bahagia.
untuk kali ini apa kata bahagia yang kau punya,
jangan diberi semuanya.

jadi fikir untuk kongsi bahagia itu ada, tapi kena bersedia.

few more days to go

    
went thru some of the earliest entries. aku rasa aku start blogging masa aku nak masuk mrsm rasanya. memang poyo lagi ayat masa tu. yang banyak bagi inspirasi pada aku dulu ialah Izzati. aku suka cara dia olah ayat walaupun nampak biasa tapi rasa nak baca tu ada. tak tahu lah mungkin masa tu balak dia geng geng A Samad Said gitu. aku jugak selesa kalau bergaduh dengan dia, tapi entahlah, salah aku semuanya dah renggang, semuanya. tapi sayangnya baru baru ni, dia dah delete account blog dia. so aku perasan aku tanya kenapa, dia kata dah tanak blogging. 

tapi bila aku baca entri entri lama rasa muda, ulang ulang benda yang sama. tapi yang paling aku rasa galak pasal cinta ah haha. sebenarnya aku lagi banyak idea masa aku "obses" dengan dia entahlah. tapi apa pun aku rasa nampak bodoh tu tak salah, cuma jangan kacau orang la. sekarang ni aku rasa pengabaian perlu dilaksanakan. ambil peduli, susun dan seimbangkan supaya tak jatuh. 


gua rindu makhluk makhluk kat atas ni. sebab makhluk makhluk ni buat gua rasa ada keluarga,masa gua jauh daripada keluarga. 

sebab sakit sebenarnya jatuh ni. 

in common

    
when situation is getting out of control, which ever I can't decide to be on which side. when the time comes, I will take a long breath, thinking and leaving. both are wrong and both are ones I love.

so I have decided, to take a tour of my credibility towards creativity. because the plain has more idea than the painted one.


silence is the best achievement yet the hardest. 

importance of things

    
peace be upon who reads. this entry I will not specify on a particular topic but I let things flow out from my head as smooth as it will be.

well everyone has their own perspective at reading someone's material and it may be hard to get to know the hidden message as if we are not sure the purpose of the writing. years back I had always wondered why some people can't understand each other whether that is between a couple, friends, among the family members, politic parties, students and so on. there is no exception. we are all in the same boat! we can also misunderstand in our way of thinking. occurring within yourself. 

everything gets simpler everyday. they are all become handy and affordable till we forget the basic principle of life, that is hardship. our thoughts have been synchronized that simple thing is important, but important thing is not simple.

I tell you a bigger picture, so you can think in various manners if you like. 

I like to watch my mother's cats behavior. and I would like to post an entry about it next time. 

entahlah

    
tiba tiba rajin decorate blog. 

cantik tak? hehe

tenangnya air semalam

    
aku bukan seorang yang pandai mengadu domba. aku juga seorang pencerita.
dua pertiga daripada apa apa yang aku cerita, semuanya berunsurkan cinta.
pengalaman cinta yang aku pernah rasa, yang pernah membuatkan aku terluka.

sekarang, aku bukan lagi mencari cinta yang sama.
tetapi untuk mencari yang lebih gagah dari awalnya.
kerana apa, cinta itu aku tamsilkan ia seperti pesawat.
jika ia rapuh, tiada makna untuk ia terbang.
jika ia kukuh, ia perlu sepadan dengan keadaan.
jika ia padan, ia perlu terus melepasi lautan.
dan akhirnya jikalau ia berjaya, belum.
selagi bumi masih belum disentuh lembut olehnya.

salam cinta dari aku yang hilang kepada Dia

sekarang

    
dalam keadaan yang aku terdesak mencari nikmat nikmat cinta.
cinta yang layu, ditiup angin lalu jatuh menyentuh tegang air tenang. 
dibawa arus bawahnya basah, diatasnya masih boleh disentuh kering.
masih kekal dengan warna hijau tua, semakin gelap semakin berat.
menanti masa untuk berhenti, habis basah jadi lahir semula semua.

seperti tiada apa.

hope that seems lost

    
harapan tu memang ada dalam semua orang termasuk gua. tapi sebenarnya gua hairan kenapa ramai orang yang mana dia takda langsung berusaha dari awalnya, kemudian berharap pada pertengahannya, dan harapan itu bersinar pada akhir cerita. gua tak rasa sinar tu hadir dengan sengaja. I can't believe, but it just did.

gua sedih dengan apa yang gua rasa, well everyone does in certain point, we just have to accept what happened. though, sekarang gua jarang rasa bermotivasi, setiap hari hadir perasaan tak puas hati. gua pernah sekali try to get over what are the things that messed with my head but gua rasa world here is so much different with what I had before. tapi gua bernasib baik ah, ada member yang faham gua, kadang kadang still gua rasa semangat tu yang tegakan tulang tulang gua kat sini daripada yang selalu nak patahkan semangat gua je setiap hari.

anyway, let's try again next semester, with a new hope, after a long break we have. gua janji siapa siapa yang menghalang gua semester depan, gua akan pilih di antara jari jari gua yang terbaik untuk di pamerkan untuk tatapan mereka. and to all who have been supportive towards me, direct or indirectly I would like to thank and I can't let this end without anything to smile when we're old, love. Sekian.

gua tak pernah salahkan takdir. jadi jangan risau, gua buang sampah awal awal. 

melangkah ke belakang sedikit

    
why. hati gua ulang ulang benda ni sampai muak. paling gua tak boleh, carry on conservation, ah failed. tapi takpa ah, cuaca baik lagipun takda rasa untuk mencela hari ni. hari yang mana gua dah dapat jawapannya.

kenal dah lama, cuma tak pernah jumpa. dulu gua rasa macam ada satu masa dulu semua gunakan medium internet untuk mencari cinta, yes. gua pernah tapi gua pun tak faham macam mana boleh jadi macam tu sebenarnya haha. 

and some of them, quite went well till we have become, hm friends? or we might as well happen to be strangers again. all of the expectations would happen after two invisible souls encounter each other.

I can't believe I met you :)

ah

    
dalam banyak banyak benda, satu ni je yang paling menggelikan. tahu apa? drama.


kenapa entah semua benda perlu terasa. lu bukan kekasih gua. tolonglah -.-

I just don't

    
"pergi berkawan lah. kau tak boleh nak kawan dengan orang yang sepadan dengan kau. sampai bila kau nak hidup sorang. belajar berkawan." - Berskala (2011)

hampir semua pernah rasa kejutan budaya, yang mana kau sebenarnya di dunia yang sama, cuma keadaan yang berbeza. kau perlukan satu cerita untuk dibina, untuk diceritakan kembali pada masa yang sama. tetapi aku hairan, kenapa sesetengah manusia gila, gila dengan apa yang dia ada, always strut dengan apa yang dia ada. pernah rasa?

aku jugak sama tiada beza, cuma aku menghormati kau punya gila, dan sepatutnya kau lakukan benda yang sama. kalau kau kata itu pendapat aku untuk racun minda kau, cuba kau buka kamus cari perkataan hormat dan cuba kau baca. aku tak minta kau mesti ada apa yang aku ada, bodohnya. cuma ada sesetengah benda, perlu sama ada dalam semua manusia. perlu jadikan tauladan untuk bermesra, bukan larikan diri bersama kawan lama. dude, we are not even best friends yet, why should you have to be merajuk tak tentu hala?

grow up human, friends do need each other for reason, don't misunderstand this is a whole, while best friends doesn't. you can choose to be forever friends, or forever best friends. so don't be a fool alright?


but you know something, there will be no best friends, but firstly being friends :)

believe me

    
if one day I would be mad. don't blame me, fools. I am about to heal my wound of depressions, casually distracted when it is not at the right time to happen.


because you stop my nerve, from being cured.

keliru

    
manusia itu keliru dengan perbuatan mereka sendiri. berdiam dan mengasingkan diri. sehingga masalah timbul, gelisah entah kenapa berlari lari untuk bangun dengan menegakan fahaman dan cadangan penyelesaian, sedangkan diri sendiri tak tahu punca masalah itu apa sebenarnya. ee malunya.

lain kali nak rasa membantu, bergomol dengan semua. bukan hanya orang yang boleh memuaskan nafsu kita sahaja. booo

if

    
If I want to get to know you. or you want to get to know me. let's do things.


and let it be a secret.

obsession

    
this was me back in years I don't remember. I was really bad at something, I wasn't sure if I was bad, or things that happened to me were not acceptable and so then I felt bad. I never blamed on anyone, in exceptional occasion I did. but in matter of my decisions, what I had decided was always went wrong at somewhere. til now, I dunno what I had felt once before would happen down the road.

I happened to be a needed person, which were you too I supposed. I wanted to be a great man, with full of ideas that matters, not only in my studies but in extension, my life. but I have a restriction, boundaries and challenge, I called it 'sickness'. yes I have a lot of mental disorder by the way, well I don't want to talk about it anyway. I am always surrounded by people who looked foolish for the first thought, but they weren't at the journey. I called them foolish as I am too. I can get used to them, or maybe use them for extent. but they can get out of my term, as they wish. because foolish makes people curious, at the same time, annoyed.

that's too much for the introduction. here we go, the obsession. one secret, which it seems not too extreme in case, I have what I called it, 'a come and go obsessive mind situation'. as simplest as I can, I have those. but I can't always help it. it's like, a snatcher together with his hand watch. when the time has come, the snatcher will do their job and run away from me, as I turn it back he is already gone. I know I could find track on him, but it's too many to carry.

"you don't love me, all you are with your obsession." - Radio.

at the moment I realized that, I have too much matters to be obsessed. I couldn't let it out, I couldn't just let the snatcher keep snatching my obsessions. I need to carry on, even with loads on my back. not only for my particular year, but my whole life I would add. and for you my dear, sorry I have to say,



"in a matter of obsession and love, I rather want to be obsessed than get in love, with no idea how love works on you.".

have you

    
ever been in a situation, where you are in a circle of happiness, full of mirrors. and the darkness of your past, has become one of your life. you can't go anywhere. the circle you are standing gets no bigger nor smaller. and you are just standing there and watch yourself. you talk to yourself, that you would be different or better everyday. but you are too enjoyed and annoyed looking at yourself. places of no one understands where you could cry and no one knows. when you are trapped with the dress you wore, the dried unwashed blood, and the tired eyes that cry. but you just can't get out from the trap you have created, years back. and only what you have to face is, yourself.

have you ever been haunted by yourself? or even cried to haunt your better one?


I have.

sebuah cerita yang hilang

    

 yang mana aku pun tak tahu mana awal, mana akhirnya.

protecting ocean

    
the nature has turned upside down.
they speak violently; the causes.
they hesitate to give us fresh air.
they are holding grudges; waiting.
for the moment they can vanish all human being.

tic tac toe in the sea floor, dance and act stupid. fishes all around you and made you stunned, colors of corals and species we just have spoken but never get to see them in wild. those are things I won't forget for the whole of my life, even it has passed or in future. because the experiences that you can't never achieve until u get underwater.

guys, let's make a short trip and have a fun dive together next time :-)

unspoken world

    

being a leader is not only to ask people to do work, but showing them how the work is done. finally, I could take a long breath when I reached at the Long Beach, Perhentian. I can't believe I could make this happen, and for sure thanks to Serena. this mightn't be this fun without her.

most of the time, when we found something beautiful and exciting, we could shout them out loud like crazy. but divers couldn't do that underwater, so we dance and do some stupid signs. we can't even laugh out loud. so we keep and expressed those feeling when we get out from water. and that feelings, would never end.

dive in unspoken world, curiosity and an endless journey we have.

masterpiece of powerful mind

    
humans can do almost unexpected things. because they have Akal(Mind). but do you ever realize how powerful the Aqal is? have you ever noticed that most of the things you are doing by now are the things that people before you had done. let's see one of the simple example I learnt from somewhere in the earth, that might sparks your idea how powerful Akal is.

"Boeing 747 is one of the biggest commercial plane, instead of the new one called Airbus 380, which often called Super Jumbo Jet, wire of 400km for each plane and the electricity needed equals to generate electricity of 400 houses. Boeing 747, bearing 4 gas turbine engines(2 for each side of wings) with 4 tanks of kerosene fuel(Jet A1 fuel) EACH with maximum capacity of 228,990 L (equals to capacity of 5500 units of an oil lorry tanker). An engine of Boeing 747 has 32 blades of chrome coated which one of the blade equals to a price of Proton wira, and overall total of blades for one plane is 128 blades. Boeing 747's maximum takeoff weight 333,400 kg (330 tons) can reach a maximum flying height up to 13 km from sea level."

imagine how powerful human's mind are? 4 engines of a Boeing 747 can lift up such a huge mass of objects that flies up to 13 km. there is no one pulling it down to land, nor pushing it up to fly. we don't talk about the higher inventions ever made such as International Space Station(ISS), Airspace Shuttle, and other incredible objects created by human, which is beyond my knowlegde to talk about that. and all those things created by using only with the Akal that you don't know where it is, in the body it is just exist and you can feel it.

and the most powerful things is not those things we see, but it should be the fundamental part for those inventions that is Akal, which has been created by the Almighty, Allah.

Love Nature

    
some people wonder how much do I love nature?
I don't answer.
how far would you go for this?
I don't answer.
did you just say it?
so I answer, if one day God would give a chance for animals to raise and vanish human, you can't run away from that situation. I do use plastics and some other non-biodegradable waste, only on certain occasion. you can't stand alone trying to stop something that has been commercially used. so, why when you are able to minimize the usage of those things, you neglect it.


because nature was created to serve human.

wondering future

    
lepasan spm, asasi dan matrik selalu fikir aku nak pilih apa, dan bila peluang pertama datang rasa gelabah nak buat keputusan. aku pun pernah rasa, jadi rasa semangat untuk berkongsi apa yang aku dah lalui.

pada aku, paling penting sekali adalah minat, ada orang dia pun tak tahu apa yang dia minat. aku cadangkan pergi tengok tv, dan nilai sendiri mana satu siaran yang kau paling suka, atau perkara yang kau rasa paling kau rasa ingin tahu sangat dalam hidup kau.

kemampuan pun satu aspek yang aku rasa penting sebab korang tahu kemampuan korang kat mana jadi korang jangan letakkan diri korang terlalu tinggi dan terlalu rendah, banyak sebenarnya bidang yang korang boleh pergi. doktor, dentist dan seangkatan dengannya, aku tahu minda korang dah ditetapkan dan dibasuh dengan idea yang profesion macam tu yang perlu korang kejar. tak salah, tapi kalau korang rasa korang mampu korang boleh teruskan.

garis masa hidup aku, sebenarnya aku bersyukur sebab apa yang aku pilih tak dapat. aku tahu aku letakkan diri aku terlalu tinggi dan tak ambil kira tahap kemampuan (atau di sini lebih enak ditukar dengan tahap kemalasan) aku tak sama dengan apa yang aku pilih.

jadi Tuhan telah beri aku pilihan yang aku sendiri tak mampu nak terima pada awalnya, tapi bila aku dah lalui semuanya baru aku tahu, yang minat dan kemampuan sebenarnya benda yang sangat penting. jadi apapun yang korang pilih sebenarnya kehadapankan dua perkara ini, dan apapun keputusan yang keluar nanti sekurang kurangnya korang dah boleh kesipkan minat dari awal tentang kursus yang korang akan amik nanti.

semoga berjaya :-)

kecelaruan semasa

    
Kadang kadang aku boleh rasa sedih sampai aku boleh menangis.
Kadang kadang aku boleh melebih sampai buat orang menyampah dengan aku.
Kadang kadang aku boleh marah dan buat apa je asal aku boleh lepaskan rasa marah aku.
 


Jadi kadang kadang,
Kau kata aku ini. Kau kata aku itu.

Sebenarnya aku pun tak faham dengan diri aku :'(

crush

    
my reaction for every respond she gave to me


but I know she never cares :-)

dalam agama

    
bertegang urat itu biasa,
ulama dahulu pun sama,
zaman Sahabat sekalipun ada,
tetapi tak lama.

kerana apa,
kerana mereka tahu apa itu agama,
bagaimana cara agama itu sempurna,
untuk diamalkan dalam kesemua perkara.

tetapi kita,
baru tahu satu dua,
cerita bagaikan tahu semua,
menghukum orang yang seperti tiada apa.

sebenarnya,
dalam berkata kata,
mungkin kita lupa,
yang sebenarnya kita pun sama.

jadi apa,
boleh sebenarnya kita bersuara,
tetapi dengan caranya,
bagaimana?
dengan cara mereka yang telah berjaya.

tak tahulah kalau kau selalu buka risalah lama,
atau Google sahaja untuk belajar agama,
atau malas bertanya,
atau mungkin,
bertanya kepada guru yang disukai sahaja,
dalam statistik, itu bias namanya.

sebab itu aku tiada bergantung pada apa apa,
dalam parti ini atau persatuan sini dan sana,
tiada percaya akan satu pun di dalam laman maya, 
kerana aku sudah tahu dengan jelas kesemuanya,
yang perlu kita ikut adalah dengan cara yang sama,
iaitu dengan cara mereka yang telah berjaya.

"ah kau pun sama, takda apa apa."
sebenarnya ada,
tetapi kalau aku cerita,
kau pun takan mampu melakukannya.

jadi jangan marah kalau aku kata,
kau tak tahu apa apa.



jadi, mereka itu siapa sebenarnya?
mereka ialah yang telah dijanjikan oleh-Nya,

lihat dunia

    
pujian itu ,
kadang aku tak mampu tanggung bebannya,
kerana pujian itu sangat berat sebenarnya. 

aku tak kisah sebenarnya kerana,
yang akan mendakwa aku nanti,
hanyalah Allah yang Esa. 

ketat

    
jangan terlalu ketat, longgarkan sedikit.
kenapa masih ketatkan?
bila aku kata longgarkan, kau longgarkan.


biar rasanya puas dan hasilnya sama rata.

please

    
I am not in a good mood.
so stop deciding and acting.
you are not an actor. I am tired.



thank you for those making me smile.